(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BELL TOLLING)
(CHOIR SINGING)
(PLAYERS CHANTING INDISTINCTLY)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(CHOIR SINGING CONTINUES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, hello, there!
Didn't see you creeping up behind me.
Welcome. Come on, come in here and listen
to this wonderful tale of woe.
Not woe as in, "Ah, bummer, man!"
But woe as in, "Whoa! That's amazing!
"I can't believe that pretty much actually happened!
"With a couple of embellishments
"along the way."
Our tale is a tale of two islands.
One is a teeny-weeny beautiful,
little tropical island in the Pacific Ocean
called American Samoa.
Home to a wonderful people, who are deeply religious,
hardworking and deeply religious.
But the other island, that was a man.
The Palagi white man!
And just like any incredible story,
our tale begins with utter humiliation.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COMMENTATOR 1: Well, here they come. American Samoa.
A bit of smiling going on, but some apprehension as well.
Well, that's the first one.
Goal! It's three.
They scored again. Five for the Socceroos.
Goodness me. Humiliation. Boys against men.
Oh dear, oh dear. Hard to keep count.
It's getting embarrassing.
Goal. Goal. Goal.
Just too easy. Goal.
(GOALKEEPER GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS) - COMMENTATOR 2: Thirty-one. American Samoa
on the wrong end of the biggest
World Cup hammering ever.
PRIEST: And 10 years later, they were just as bad.
In fact, I think they had actually gotten worse.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
Come on!
(PLAYERS CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) American Samoa!
(PLAYERS CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
- TEAM: (IN ENGLISH) Samoa! - PLAYER 1: Samoa!
You guys suck!
OPPOSITION PLAYER: Oh, we're going to lose.
(MUSIKA MALIE BY L.E.A.O PLAYING)
PLAYER 1: Okay, we can do it. Come on.
We're going already!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
TAVITA: What are you doing? COMMENTATOR: Goal!
Oh, my gloves weren't even on yet.
- Pisa, put your gloves on. - I'm not even ready!
PLAYER 2: Come on!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
- (LAUGHING) - Help, help, help!
COMMENTATOR: Goal!
Move out. Move out.
(PISA GRUNTS)
- COMMENTATOR: Goal! - (LAUGHING)
- (PISA GRUNTS) - Goal!
- (PISA SOBBING) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
That was a terrible first half.
And now I'm forced to give you a growling.
Are you ready for the growling? Hmm?
TEAM: Yes. ACE: Okay, you asked for it.
Get ready.
You were bad. You are bad.
That was bad.
Where's the heart? Where's the spirit?
You have to play with heart and spirit.
You're bad. Bad!
Okay, Ace, I'll take over from here.
Yeah, I think that's best, yeah.
Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
In case you don't know me, I'm Tavita Taumua.
I'm the President of the Football Federation
of American Samoa.
But I think you all do know me.
- Hi, son. - Hey, Dad.
TAVITA: I'm here to beg something
from you for the second half.
I know we've never ever scored a goal, ever!
But we have to because I've made a bet
with the heads of the football federations
from the other islands
that we could.
And if we don't,
they're going to draw a lady boobs on my face.
That's some pretty powerful motivation.
ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKER) Both teams,
- please return to the field. - Okay! 45 minutes left!
Let's go, American Samoa!
(TEAM CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
ALL: (IN ENGLISH) One heart!
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(ALL CHEERING)
ACE: (IN ENGLISH) Hey, guys, heads up.
Not all of the goals went in.
So, that's heart and spirit. Right, Tavita?
Ace, you're a lovely guy, but you're a terrible coach.
You're sacked.
Okay, cool. That seems fair.
Yeah, take a look.
Count the boobs.
Count them.
Individual boobs or pairs?
I'll save you the trouble. There's 11 pairs.
- Eleven pairs. - (WHISTLES)
They drew these with permanent marker.
You know what permanent means?
Forever!
Aren't you guys sick of losing?
We haven't scored one goal in the history
of our country trying to have a soccer team.
Doesn't that strike you as odd?
Mark my words,
things are going to change.
I'm going to get us a new coach.
TEAM: Huh?
New coach.
(SIGHS) Where am I going to find a new coach?
You have to look off island.
No, that's treason.
Treason is sending that poor team
to play games they have no hope of winning.
You have to think outside the box.
Hmm, well, sometimes the box
is too small to think inside of.
Maybe I will do it.
I've already done it.
I've rung the American Football Federation
to put an ad up for the job.
Dad, we don't need some Palagi with his white savior complex
to come teach us how to play soccer.
Daru!
But there's so many other great coaches on the island.
- Like who? - Like Ace.
I sacked him.
He's no good with pressure. He hates pressure.
You hate pressure, don't you, Ace?
Yeah, that's true. I hate it.
There's only four weeks to the World Cup qualifier, Dad.
We should just get a coach from the island.
- (EXCLAIMS) - Don't make me
- hit you with this sandal. - (WHIMPERS)
We are getting a real coach. That's it!
And don't think I haven't noticed
those big boobs on your face.
Whose boobs are those?
I don't know, they're drawings.
Drawings of boobs are a gateway
to the real thing.
Be careful, my mister.
(EXHALES)
THOMAS: Look, I know this season
didn't go as planned.
It's known as the beautiful game,
but let's face it, it's a complicated game, guys.
Football, soccer, as you like to call it,
is like life. You know?
You're riding high in April and shot down in May.
Um, next season, I think, we have a real shot.
As long as you, uh, trust me and allow me
to play the system that I like to play.
ALEX: Uh, I'm sorry, uh, Thomas, did nobody tell you?
You're... You're fired.
Did honestly nobody tell you?
- Rhys, did you not... - RHYS: Yeah, of course, I...
I'm fired? Are you joking? Are you kidding me?
Obviously, you're in shock, which is understandable.
And it is only natural that you go through
the five stages of grief,
which Rhys, I think, you have a...
RHYS: Yes. Thank you, Alex. We'll just quickly run this...
Thank you, Chris. There we go. Yep, too far. Release it.
Now, to... You've lost it.
Settle it there. Just, yep, there we go.
Thanks, Chris. Spin it round.
- No, you got to flip it. - ALEX: Flip the...
Yep, there we go. And spin it round.
Stage one, denial.
This is not happening.
There it is. That's it, that's classic denial.
Good news is, you got two options. Rhys?
Option one, that's where you're currently at.
ALEX: Or... RHYS: Chris?
Pacific Ocean?
Uh, well, yes. Uh, but, no. Specifically, American Samoa.
THOMAS: American Samoa?
Are you serious? Is this a joke?
Gail, do you know about this?
Yes, it was my idea.
Can't believe you'd do this to me!
- I deserve some respect. - Oh, boy.
I'm the only one in this room
that knows anything about this game.
Stage two. Anger.
ALEX: That anger is real.
Was he this angry when you were married?
He was calmer before.
Thomas, you need to stop thinking about this
as some kind of punishment.
This could be a chance to heal.
Maybe find a new direction.
ALEX: Oh, Gail!
God, I love that, Gail. That is so good. Excellent.
I played this game at the top level.
This isn't fair.
ALEX: Fair?
You want to know about fair?
Oh, here we go.
ALEX: Let me tell you a story, buddy.
(CLEARS THROAT) When I was a kid, I had this dog.
And I loved this dog.
But then, he got older.
And I guess he had some anger issues.
Wasn't the same dog.
My dad said that we needed to put the dog down.
So, we take him outside,
and this dog, he is whimpering.
We're taking him out. "Oh, no, this isn't fair.
"Remember how good I was in the past?"
And my dad made me take that dog outside
- and drown him in the pond. - (RHYS SIGHS)
I'm the dog in this story?
No, of course not. I'm just telling you the story
about my dog when I was growing up.
And the fact that my dad was a bit of an asshole.
Okay, look.
I can change.
I'm flexible, guys.
Let's not make any rash decisions here.
ALEX: Really, really good stuff, Thomas.
You are smoking through these.
RHYS: There's only two left. ALEX: Oh, that's great.
- (SIGHS) - 'Cause I got to...
- Wow. - Chris?
We only got one left.
And it's my favorite one of all.
(SIGHS)
(PACIFIC OCEAN BY SHAFT PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
Mr. Rongen? Mr. Rongen, hello, Mr. Rongen.
Welcome to American Samoa.
What is this shit?
(CHUCKLES) No naughty words, pretty please.
This is Who's On The Plane?
American Samoa's top-rated show.
We interview people who travel to the island on the plane.
Well, I guess what everyone at home wants to know is
why have you come halfway across the world
to coach the worst soccer team in the world?
I have a very particular set of skills.
Skills I've acquired over a very long career.
Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.
I've come here to impasse
my knowledge and unique insight
into the beautiful game and turn this team around.
I'm not God,
but I may as well be.
Because I perform more miracles than him.
Okay, well, one thing's for sure.
The new coach is very friendly and outgoing.
We'll see you next time for another edition
of Who's On The Plane?
Mr. Thomas Rongen!
(SIGHS) It's very nice to meet you.
I am Tavita, I'm the President
of the Football Federation of American Samoa.
And also the cameraman for Who's On The Plane?
It's a small island. We all have lots of jobs.
Now, as an honored guest,
we have a very special surprise
waiting outside. Okay?
So, Gus will look after you.
Yeah, you'll love this.
This is so exciting! Guys! Guys!
Dad, why are we here?
It's all part of my exciting master surprise plan.
Gentlemen, I am proud to officially announce
our new official national coach
of the American Samoa soccer team.
(TEAM MUTTERING EXCITEDLY)
He's played with some of the top players in the world.
TEAM: Oh.
And, he's originally from Europe.
TEAM: Oh.
So, let's give him a warm American Samoan welcome!
ACE: Um, okay, guys, hey...
(TEAM SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Your chariot awaits.
(TEAM VOCALIZING)
Okay, okay.
Yeah, great stuff, guys.
I think he feels really welcome.
We'll see you at training.
Hey. Dad,
how many offshore people applied for the job?
Oh, the response was incredible!
Yeah? How many people responded?
TAVITA: Well, there was him.
Yeah, it was just him.
But the fact that he responded,
absolutely incredible.
I really think things
are gonna turn around. You know, son?
It's like in The Matrix.
I think this man is the Neo.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
TAVITA: Welcome to American Samoa.
With a population of 57,534 people,
American Samoa is a United States territory
like Puerto Rico, but much smaller and further away.
The two main exports are NFL players and tuna.
It should not be confused
with the independent nation of Samoa
with their cocky, stuck-up people
always bragging about their 24-hour McDonald's.
- Even though we are both Samoan... - Hey.
...there are two Samoas.
Can you drive faster?
Oh, I would never break the speed limit.
It's 20 miles per hour across the whole island.
Interesting fact. The bird
on the flag of American Samoa...
Welcome to your new accommodation.
Oh, that's your car,
so you can move around the island at will.
Mmm-hmm.
And now, the pièce de résidence.
Your castle awaits.
Your landlord is Sione.
He lives in the house next door.
And he is available seven-twenty-four
to address your every need.
Seven-twenty-four?
Seven days out of every twenty-four.
Well, I'll let you get settled in.
And I will leave this Welcome to American Samoa video here
for you to peruse at your leisure.
The qualifiers are only four weeks away, Mr. Rongen.
All I want from our team is just one goal.
One goal.
(NAUMATI LAGONA BY THE FIVE STARS PLAYING)
(CHIMES)
(PHONE OPERATOR SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Hello?
Hello? Can I use the phone?
REPORTER: (ON TV) Rongen won the MLS
Coach of the Year award
and coached the US men's national team.
But his career went mysteriously
off the rails two years ago.
And I think the question we're all wondering is...
Why have you come halfway across the world
to coach the worst soccer team in the world?
REPORTER: Coach Rongen has
- a colorful reputation. - What, what, what, what?
(BLEEPING)
But the team is hopeful he can save them
from another international humiliation.
We caught up with him as he got off the plane.
Welcome to American Samoa.
What is this (BLEEP)?
Oh, you're from TV. Famous guy.
Welcome to the convenience store.
I see you found our conveniently
located libation station.
And conveniently, we're the local movie rental place.
And the convenient dreamcatcher outlet.
You guys have a public phone that I could use?
(BELL TOLLING)
THOMAS: Hello?
Excuse me?
Hello?
What the...
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(THOMAS GASPS)
(GRUNTS, WHIMPERS)
Now, we gonna do the Hollywood.
Ah, and that's where you grab your leg.
Ah, and it's really sore, and you fall down. Hollywood.
(EXCLAIMS) Arnold!
(TEAM EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
Get up! Up, up, up!
Oh, nice. Now, we're gonna practice pointing and blaming
where you point to someone and just blame them.
SAMSON: Wait, wait, wait.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(TEAM LAUGHS)
Ah. Mr. Rongen. (CHUCKLES)
Nice, little buddy. Okay.
Go into the shop, get me that bottle we talked about.
Off you go. Thanks, little buddy.
Run!
Well, gentlemen.
I've been watching you.
And it's safe to say, you're useless.
You have zero talent, skill or understanding of the game.
That is why we're gonna work on two very simple things.
Fitness and discipline.
Cacio and the pepe.
Cheese and pepper.
Simple dish but when made well, exquisite.
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get into two lines and we're gonna do sprints.
Down to the goal and back.
Two lines! Suicides!
Cheese and pepper! Come on, let's go! Go!
Why are we doing this?
Because I want to see what you're made of.
You're all a bunch of Daniel-sans.
And I'm Mr. Miyagi.
I want to see how many of you can make the full 90 minutes.
Let's go! Cacio pepe!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Oh, Jaiyah. - Hi!
Hi, boys.
Hey, hey, guys! What's going on?
What were we just talking about? Discipline.
All right. 200 sit-ups down at the goal.
- Go! - (TEAM GROANING)
Go, go, 200!
Hey, coach, I'm so sorry I'm late.
THOMAS: Oh. Ah, ah.
I just came in from Hawaii.
I'm in middle of, uh, talking to the squad right now.
So, uh...
You must be team masseuse.
Why don't you, uh, set up in the...
Oh. No, no, no. I'm not the team masseuse.
I'm one of the players.
Oh, no, I don't know where the women's team train,
but it isn't here.
Oh, no, no, no. Jaiyah's placed in the team.
This team.
She's a woman.
Well, (CHUCKLES) not yet.
What the hell's going on? Ace?
ACE: That's Jaiyah.
She's our center forward. Jaiyah.
(CHUCKLES) Okay. Good one.
Humor. I get it.
Sure, Jaiyah, go ahead. Join the squad over there.
Thanks so much, coach.
Joke's on you now. She's playing.
(CHUCKLING) Very good.
Something not right about this guy.
Well, he is white. (GRUNTS)
No. Something else.
Let's keep our eye on him.
All right, Ace.
Let's see what they're made of.
Look alive, bitches!
All right, come on. We're up.
Wow, a ball! Mr. Miyagi is really shaking things up.
(PLAYERS SHOUTING)
Okay, Ace. Run me through the team. Who we got?
Okay, uh, that's Smiley.
He's the D'Angelo of soccer.
PLAYER: Hey, Smiley!
Yeah. Oh! And that's Daru.
He's known as the Bad Boy of soccer.
He's always sliding in and getting carded. Very bad.
Oh, that is Samson.
What? Because of his hair?
No, Samsung.
He's named after the giant Korean tech company.
His father's name is Sony.
Oh, and there's Jaiyah, the Cindy Crawford of soccer.
What's his real name?
- Jaiyah. - No, registered name.
Oh, it's Johnny. But you never want to call her that.
Yeah. She's Fa'afafine.
THOMAS: What does that mean?
ACE: It's part of our culture.
They're just one of us. But different.
But you guys are all cool with this?
ACE: How can I put this? It's like
imagine a world without flowers.
Well, Fa'afafine are our flowers.
Be a pretty dull world without them.
- Hmm? They're beautiful. - (CHUCKLES)
And who's that large body in goal?
ACE: Oh, that's Pisa.
He's not really a goalkeeper. He's a midfielder,
but he found the gloves
- when Nicky... - Wait, wait, wait.
Who's that?
That's Jonah. He's the Knight Rider Car of soccer.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
(WHISTLES)
Bring it in.
Whistle, whistle. Bring it in.
Bring it in, team!
Sit down, sit down.
That was terrible.
You're just pissing around out there.
You need passion to play this game.
(SCOFFS) It's embarrassing.
I've every right to put my foot up all your asses.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, that's funny to you?
Well, yeah. I mean, it's a funny image.
Sorry. Just trying to have fun.
Football's fun.
I'll tell you what's not fun.
Watching you prancing and parading,
fixing your hair like My Little Pony.
That's not fun.
Armani.
This young gentleman here is what I'm talking about.
This is passion personified.
If I had 11 Armani's, I could conquer the world.
But alas, I only have the one.
I'll take that.
You know what? I've had it for today.
I'm going to leave Armani in charge.
He's going to be my eyes and my ears.
Anything Armani says, you do.
Armani? What shall we do today?
Everybody, shoulder exercise up.
Up, down, up, down. Double time.
VOICEMAIL: Welcome to your voice mailbox.
You have 18 saved messages.
First saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Hey, Dad.
I just saw you called.
Where are you?
Seriously. Like, where in the world is Thomas Rongen?
Okay, call me back.
(WAVES LAPPING)
(TIN CANS RATTLING)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Old tin cans, old tin cans!
That's what I'm collecting.
People just throw them away. They wash up on the shore.
They used to be valuable. Not so much anymore.
Is she talking to me?
You're feeling alone, because you are alone.
Like these old metal cans.
This isn't happening. It's a mirage.
Yes, this is happening.
You're just a skinny white guy, sitting there
looking out to sea for answers.
But maybe the answers you seek are right in front of you.
Everybody deserves a second chance.
Even tin cans.
Not that plastic bottle there, though.
Not that. Not touching that.
Family is what you make it.
Here I come, the old tin can lady.
- Looking for my tin cans... - Tin cans.
...that's what I do
- all day. Oh! - TAVITA: Darling!
- RUTH: Oh, Tavita, you idiot! - Did you speak to him?
Yes, but what was all that
tin can mumbo-jumbo shit you made me say
and all that "family is what you make it" crap?
It sounded like that old lady from The Matrix.
Nah, he's a Palagi.
White people love all that spiritual stuff.
Can you imagine the world without yoga?
There'd be all this unstretchy white people around
- with no ethnic marks. - And no white dreadlocks.
Exactly! They need us.
And I need that coach.
ACE: Hey, guys! That's great warming-upping.
- Doing really well. - THOMAS: Ace.
Oh! Mr. Rongen.
- Ace. - Yeah?
You know, I just had the most profound conversation.
It was all about tin cans.
Our team, they're like a bunch of tin cans.
Look at them.
Discarded, crumpled,
sitting in a bunker,
waiting for an apocalypse that may never come.
But guess what, Ace,
we're gonna give those cans a purpose.
What's that, boss?
We're going to start a nuclear war.
Gather around, tin cans.
ACE: Come on, tin cans.
THOMAS: We're going to practice free kicks.
Hustle, double time!
ACE: Double time, double time, hustle.
The art of taking the free kick
is about distraction.
Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa. - TEAM: Oh.
And that's how it's done.
ALL: Distraction!
Distraction. Follow my move.
ALL: Hey!
A small game called the Human Hurdle.
- And jump! And jump! - (ACE SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Stop. You go around.
Cheese and pepper, cheese and pepper!
The object of the game is to hit the moving target.
Useless.
ALL: (SINGING) Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Keep the melody, please.
TEAM: (SINGING) Yes, sir, yes, sir
THOMAS: Everybody wait.
Stop play. Stop play.
Jaiyah, any reason why you're late?
Everybody else seemed
to turn up on time for training today.
Why don't you run over there and do some slaloms.
Off you go. Let's go.
Talk to one another.
Come on! Concentrate.
(9 TO 5 BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYING)
The object is turning speed. Hustle, hustle.
ACE: Hustle, hustle, bustle.
You know what? Forget about it.
Forget about it. Hup, hup, hup.
- Guys, head up, head up. - THOMAS: Get low, get low.
- ACE: Cheese and pepper! - Get out of the way here.
ACE: Cheese and pepper!
The object is to get the ball in the net.
Concentrate.
Look where you're shooting it.
What the hell!
(PISA EXCLAIMS)
Don't look at me, look at the ball.
(TEAM WHOOPING)
(TEAM LAUGHING)
THOMAS: Control it, Daru. What is that? Is that a pass?
One touch. Pass.
One touch. Pass, pass. Come on.
Jaiyah, focus.
You're controlling the back line, let's go!
And how would I say,
"You're all useless. I'm out of here"?
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Way too long. Forget it.
Trust.
Trust. Trust, okay. Trust.
(GRUNTS)
That's it, don't touch me. Trust is broken.
All right. It's getting serious now.
We're going to play full 90 minutes with the ball.
Shirts versus bibs. Three touches only. Go!
- PLAYER: Go, go, go! - (PLAYERS SHOUTING)
THOMAS: That's it, push up, push up.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
A little bit of urgency.
Look at him, he's got all the space in the world.
Jaiyah! Look alive.
Concentrate. Focus, Jaiyah.
What are you waiting for? Pressure, pressure, pressure.
No, no, no! Squeeze him, Daru.
Stay on your feet, man.
(CHUCKLES)
Jaiyah, what are you doing over there?
Stop playing with your hair.
What the hell's that? Come here.
Why are you fixing your hair?
This isn't some voguing competition.
This is international soccer.
Stop that. Get your shit together.
(CHUCKLES)
Johnny, come back here when I'm talking to you.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE) My name is not Johnny.
Your registered name is Johnny.
You'll be playing under the name Johnny.
And that's what I'm going to be calling you.
So, get used to it, Johnny.
(DEEP VOICE) Call me Johnny, again, one more time,
and see what happens.
Johnny.
(BOTH GRUNT)
Oh, Jaiyah, no, he's a coach.
Naughty, naughty.
- (GRUNTS) - Yeah, yeah.
(ACE SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH, GRUNTS) It's okay. I'm all right.
Okay.
Things are getting pretty intense.
So, it's, uh, time to take a break, maybe.
Ace, call lunch.
ACE: You heard the man. Have some lunch.
Cooling down.
Especially, if your name rhymes with fire.
VOICEMAIL: Sixth saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Okay, so,
you don't actually know how phones work
is the vibe I'm getting.
When it makes a noise, you answer it.
I mean, I know you're probably working
with the team right now but
maybe stop yelling at them for a second and call me back.
I'm around.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Hey, celebrity guy!
Saw you on Who's On The Plane,
- coach. - (EXCLAIMS)
Soccer coach, you got the toughest job on the island.
These guys are (CHUCKLES) shocking.
- Shocking. (LAUGHS) - TAVITA: Ah, coach!
Welcome to our humble restaurant.
Tavita's Restaurant. My restaurant.
How many jobs have you got?
Ah, we all have a few jobs.
We have to earn enough money to keep the team going.
- Garçon! Son, Daru. - What?
Please, escort our esteemed guest
to our exclusive al fresco table.
Please. No special treatment. I'll sit outside.
They look up to you. They depend on you.
You got to be demanding. But kind.
JAIYAH: Hello.
Sir.
Something to drink?
Whiskey, beer, wine?
Yeah, we got all those. Which one?
Whiskey, beer, and wine.
Mr. Rongen.
Please accept this appetizer
of raw fish marinated in coconut cream.
It's a real classic of the islands.
And it's on the house.
How are things going?
I can honestly say it's the worst bunch of players
I've ever come across in my life.
Oh.
THOMAS: I have very particular methods.
And unless I get the support I need,
I just don't think it's going to work.
We have our own methods too. Traditions.
It's like with that appetizer.
I'm sure that little fish
didn't think that one day it would be chopped up,
covered in spring onions,
a little bit of tomato, yellow pepper,
lemon zest and a dash of chili.
But if you ask anyone around here,
it's a better fish because of it.
You may need to just marinate, too.
See how you feel.
One goal.
Wow. That's really good. It's really good!
(SINGING) I want to swing
(CHANDELIER BY SIA PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Yes, I'm going to need immediate backup.
I'm engaged in a car chase.
- DISPATCH: Wow, really? - Looks like a Palagi guy,
he's driving like a maniac.
He's maybe doing 35, 36 MPHs.
- DISPATCH: That's fast! - Also, um, my, uh,
my siren's not working.
DISPATCH: Oh, jeez! Okay, stay safe, Rambo.
Oh, and can you get some kava
from Uncle Pese on the way home?
Uh, copy that. Yeah, okay, I love you, Mom.
- I love you too, baby. - Okay, love you.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(MIMICS SIREN BLARING)
- Shit. - RAMBO: Yeah,
this is the policeman.
Can you please pull over to the side? Yes.
(RAMBO MIMICS SIREN BLARING)
You're going to get out of the car
on the count of three.
Are you ready?
Three.
Thank you.
Okay, you punk rocker.
Oh, hey, it's the guy from the TV! (CHUCKLES)
That's me. What seems to be the problem?
Oh, I'll tell you what the... (COUGHING)
Hey, you okay?
Hey. Let it out, big guy. I got you.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Oh, thank you. I'm feeling better now.
Now, listen, normally,
I'd lock you up and throw away the key.
But right now,
I'm just more angry at my mango juice can.
You stupid can! (GRUNTS)
Fleetwood Mac!
That's a hell of a right foot you got there,
Fa'agaloagliga.
Rambo.
Gentlemen, allow me to present our newest recruit,
Detective Rambo.
We already kicked him out. He tried to arrest us all.
You were playing on private property.
Yeah, that property is my dad's property.
Well, I don't make up the rules, okay?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Bravo.
You've just fallen for the oldest trick in the book.
Can't you see?
This is exactly what they want from us.
- Who? - THOMAS: Them!
The Imperialists.
Divide and conquer.
But we're not going to let them.
We've worked too long and hard for this.
You've only been here a few days.
Rome was built in a day, man.
I think we're doing pretty well.
Now, how about this?
As a team, together, we climb that mountain.
Who's with me?
No.
SAMSON: Coach, my ankle is hurting me.
I can't hear you. Who's with me?
No, no, my mom is expecting me.
Come on, guys! We're all in this together.
Now, who's going to climb that mountain
with me as a team?
Are you with me?
Are you with me, my team?
- Yeah, okay, then, yeah. - All right!
ACE: Okay, let's go. Yes. PLAYER 1: Go.
THOMAS: Let's go! PLAYER 2: Yeah.
Now, we're making some progress.
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) - (CLANGING)
Wait, wait, wait. What's going on?
Don't sit down.
We're not there yet. We haven't even started.
- Ace, what's going on? - It's curfew time.
What?
The bell means curfew. It's time to pray.
The whole island stops. Same time, every day.
But what am I supposed to do? I'm not religious.
Pretend?
Okay. I'll pray for you.
THOMAS: When did that ever work? Tavita!
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
I've got three weeks left to the qualifiers.
We got a lot of work to do.
So, tomorrow, I'm going to start with fitness drills
to see how many of them can last a full 90 minutes.
Ooh. Ah.
Thomas, ah, we won't be training tomorrow.
- Why not? - It's Sunday.
- So? - The team won't train
on a Sunday. That would be a sin.
Jesus Christ.
Mr. Rongen, you are very welcome
to join us on Sunday.
It could be a nice experience.
You can see how we worship God.
This is church. Football is church.
You've got zero commitment.
We're very committed to church.
This place is a carnival of crap.
DARU: Hey, look at this, look at this.
This bit, right here. Right here.
COMMENTATOR: Off goes the chair.
- Ooh. - DARU: This guy's been fired
from his last three jobs because
he can't control himself.
PISA: I don't know. He seems okay, now.
Maybe he's different.
THOMAS: I've coached 11-year-olds
better than your players!
Sure.
I mean, look at this place.
You've got a keyboard and mouse and no screen!
None of this shit makes any sense.
You don't even have a full squad of players out there.
No wonder you're the worst team in the world.
TAVITA: Mr. Rongen, you have made your point
and now let me make mine.
Now, we here at FFAS are honored that you are here.
We want to improve, we want to learn from you.
But we will not deny who we are just to win.
These are our customs. These are our ways.
Your ways are shit. You're failing.
It's torture coaching this team.
Thomas, we were under the impression
that you wanted to be here.
But if that is the wrong impression that we are under,
then you are free to go.
Seek your happiness.
Unhappiness is a curse
that I would not wish on anyone.
THOMAS: Okay. I quit.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I told you guys.
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: Hello?
- Can you hear me? - GAIL: (ON PHONE) Yeah.
So, uh, here's the news. Fresh off the press. I quit.
- You can't quit. - I quit.
Today, officially.
- Well, then go un-quit. - Once you quit,
you got to commit to the quit. You know this.
It's like this team,
- they don't even want to win. - (SIGHS)
For them, it's like some sort of game.
It is a game, Thomas.
It's a sport.
I can't work with these guys.
I can't help them.
Thomas, we didn't send you there to help them.
We sent you there to help you.
I don't need help. I'm coming home.
Home, I'm sorry, Thomas,
but where is home now?
Look,
we'll be there in a couple weeks
for the qualifiers, okay? And we'll get a drink.
- All right? - (HANGS UP PHONE)
(SIGHS)
(TEAM SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Dear Lord,
if you could please
let the coach come back wherever he is,
to help us score that one goal.
Just one.
Not too much to ask, I think,
given we go to church every Sunday
and give 10 percent of our income.
But, uh, hey!
All in your time. Amene.
ALL: Amene.
(TEAM CLAPPING)
(IN ENGLISH) Ah, that didn't work.
Ace, looks like you're coaching today.
ACE: Okay, just go for a run to warm up your bodies, huh?
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Okay, Dad.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
But I was just pissed because...
because you should be here for this.
They asked me to lead the team out on Saturday.
Where are you?
- (OBJECTS CLATTER) - (JAIYAH EXHALES)
Hi, coach.
Hi.
I just wanted to come by and say sorry
about body slamming you to the ground
and choking you, and
also, just wanted to say thank you
for keeping me on the team
so far.
Well, uh, I'd like to apologize too
for not respecting your name,
Jaiyah.
Here. Peace offering.
- What is it? - It's from team lunch.
You keep missing out
because you get angry and run away.
You know, you should eat first.
And, then get angry.
Makes sense.
Will you join me?
Sure.
JAIYAH: College is cool.
And I do some performing when I'm not studying.
So, do you think you'll come back to the island
once you finish your degree?
No. There's really not much
on the island for young people.
The job choices come down
to the tuna cannery or the army.
And I don't really like fish or guns.
So, you think you'll stay in Hawaii then?
Hmm. Maybe.
I mean, there's not as many fa'afafine there,
so you do get a bit more prejudice.
So, I hear you're married?
And you have a daughter.
Yeah, but tell me more about this, um, fa'afafine thing.
What do you want to know?
I mean, what are you down there?
Does it really matter to you?
Well, it matters to the officials in the game.
Okay, well, right now I'm legal.
But I have been taking hormones for a while and...
Right now?
Let's just say that eventually,
I technically won't qualify for the team.
Can we talk soccer?
Yes.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - THOMAS: What am I watching here?
Why is everyone bunched up like old ladies
gathered at a cake convention?
Well, how are we supposed to know about formation?
No one taught us, including you.
Fair point.
THOMAS: Look at this guy.
Just standing there in open space
doing nothing. Reminds me of you.
That is me.
Oh.
Well, you're a natural born defender.
Not a forward.
Wait, who is that in goal?
That's Nicky Salapu.
- That's Nicky Salapu? - Yeah.
The guy that let in over 30 goals?
Yeah, but he saved another 60.
THOMAS: He looks pretty good.
He's one of the best players we've ever had.
He's a legend.
A legend of the fallen.
- Shut up. - You shut up, it's my house.
It's my island.
I don't even know why we're watching this.
Because most of these players are retired.
But they only gave up
because everyone else gave up on them.
But if you came back to coach us,
I could help you find them.
Because they're still good.
I'll be the judge of that.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, famous guy and Jaiyah!
Thomas Rongen. Nicky Salapu.
THOMAS: Well I'll be a son of a bitch.
The chickens have come home to roast.
You're the best goalkeeper American Samoa ever had.
I let in over 30 goals at international level.
You're the best goalkeeper American Samoa ever had.
Isn't there something about that defeat
that still haunts you?
- That you can't let go of? - Of course.
I replay that match on Xbox.
American Samoa versus Australia.
But I play alone.
And I get my revenge every day by beating them 32, nil.
Don't you want revenge on Australia?
But instead of Australia,
it would be on a bunch of other Polynesian islands.
Some of them are close to Australia.
How did you get this coaching job?
You're terrible at this.
Can you just come back to the team?
They need work, yeah. And they need a lot of work,
but I see a bunch of guys in that team, including her
who all work multiple jobs just to play.
Who've got more heart and they're dreaming bigger
than nearly any of the jaded fools
that mess around in the pro league
for money they don't deserve.
Don't tell them I said that.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - Is he interested in playing?
No interest, whatsoever.
Who's next?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
That's called chutzpah, Armani.
And we like it.
Excuse me, Squire?
- Stretch the muscle. - Ace?
Mr. Rongen! I thought you'd abandoned us.
Ace, I'd like to apologize.
- Oh. - But I won't.
- Oh. - As a rule, I don't apologize.
I'm not apologizing for that, either. So, sorry.
Daru? Daru, Daru.
Look, I know you don't like me.
I don't like me.
But we need to work together.
This formation is known as the Sad Snowman.
This player, interchangeable with this player.
This can cross here,
switch it around, works this way too.
So, who we got next?
(EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD PLAYING)
We got another one.
Nice one, Armani.
ALL: Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.
THOMAS: We've also got the three pigs.
The wolf is coming all the way back here.
He's going to blow your house down.
This is where we want to go.
All roads lead to Rome.
What is this shit?
Fucking Sharpie. Get me another board.
Think of it like a fish.
On its own, slimy, smelly, tasteless somewhat.
But add some coconut cream, lemon zest, chili,
let that sucker marinate.
Now you've got something special.
Allow yourself to marinate.
You'll be a better fish for it.
Thank you, coach.
- (PLAYERS GROAN) - THOMAS: Ice is your friend.
It will help those muscles.
Oh, got you in the nads there.
Just another 25 minutes.
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
Three, four. And then, other side.
Way off! Miss.
- He finds it. - (ALL CHEERING)
Get up. Not at the top yet. Keep going.
I know it's hard, but if we can do this
as a team, we have a chance.
THOMAS: We've got defense sorted.
- But our midfield... - Mm-hmm.
THOMAS: All right, my man.
- All right. - There you go.
Thank you, coach.
- See you Monday? - For sure.
- I won't let you down, coach. - Amazing.
Excellent.
(TIRES SCREECH)
- (WOMAN SCREAMS) - (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
So, who's next?
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
THOMAS: (IN ENGLISH) Nice. Nice, Daru. Good energy.
Good energy. Good, good, good.
Hop, hop, hop. Bunny rabbit.
Push, push, push.
THOMAS: Good. Control that back line.
That's it, Jaiyah, leadership. That's what I'm talking about.
Pelé, Maradona, Rongen. Whoo!
ALL: Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.
Look, right here. Maldini.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(TEAM CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(ALL CHEERING)
THOMAS: (IN ENGLISH) Keep it up, keep it up.
Keep going, keep going.
I know it's hard, but keep going.
I know you can make it to the top.
Come on, guys, keep going, keep going.
Don't stop, don't stop.
- (TEAM CHATTERING) - (THOMAS GROANING)
(APPLAUSE)
(THOMAS INHALES DEEPLY)
Oh, God!
Oh, God. It's beautiful. (PANTING)
DARU: You okay, coach?
It's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
It looked so easy from the bottom.
Can't breathe. (BREATHING HEAVILY)
This spot here, this place,
tells of how your brave brothers
fought to protect American Samoa
and the rest of the world against evil.
Well, tomorrow, we set off
for the greatest war of them all!
The war for World Cup qualification.
TEAM: Yeah!
(TEAM CHEERING)
THOMAS: Oh, my God, the air is thin up here.
In two days' time,
we face our first enemy, Tonga.
Screw those guys!
(TEAM AGREEING)
There have been so many wars against those assholes.
But the war of 1825,
where they came to take...
they came to take our tuna.
But we handed their asses to them in a giant tuna can.
(TEAM MUTTERS IN CONFUSION)
Where am I?
TAVITA: Uh, Mr. Rongen, are you feeling all right?
What was that? I still have to pack.
I always leave packing
to the last minute. It's so weird.
(ALL CHATTERING)
ACE: Healing waters. Yeah, take him down.
Yeah. It's all right, coach.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
PRIEST: And so, we turn to Matthew 17
when a man says to lesu, "Lord, have mercy on my son.
"For he is a lunatic
"and is very ill.
"For he often falls into the fire
"and often into the water.
"Very clumsy, my boy."
And lesu said, "Bring him here to me."
Good old lesu.
And lesu rebuked him.
And the demon came out of him.
And the boy was cured at once.
(ALL CHEERING)
- (PLAYER LAUGHS) - PRIEST: What a beautiful day.
We give thanks
for the beauties outside, all the blessings.
And, uh, before we get further
into the proceedings, a little housekeeping.
Someone was seen rifling around
in, uh, one of the dumpsters outside
Sione Malacoco's Fish and Chip Shop.
Fess up, who was that?
Trying to get some leftover scraps.
We don't do that.
Okay? Now, what a day.
Our wonderful team
are going across the seas to do the impossible.
To go and win a game of soccer.
Wow!
Wowie!
Some would say that the other teams are too big.
Well, you know what I say to them?
Read the Bible.
Have you ever heard of a little guy called David
fighting against a big guy called the Goliath?
(SHOUTING IN VIDEOGAME)
That is a cautionary tale.
Don't mess with the little guy.
And what we have here
is a whole bunch of little guys, don't we?
Little guys, who probably can't do it.
Going off across the seas
to fight a whole lot of Goliaths.
So, go, my little Davids.
Let's take it to Mr. Goliath out there.
And let's get one for American Samoa.
Okay.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(CONGREGATION MEMBER COUGHS)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
So, off they go.
The American Samoan soccer team
hoping not to embarrass the nation any further.
Cut. That was really good, Gus. (GRUNTS)
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Go, go, go, go!
Tavita, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, move it!
Let's get this bird in the air!
Wowie, that was some journey!
Yeah, I think I got the jet lags. I need a nap.
Guys, it was only a 35 minute flight.
Hey, guys!
We've officially crossed the date line.
It's now yesterday.
- (PLAYERS EXCLAIM) - PLAYER 1: Time travel!
- (CAR HORN HONKS) - Look how fast
these crazies are going.
You know, someone's going to get killed.
Slow down. Heaven's full.
(PLAYER 2 WHISTLES)
DARU: Yo, some pretty sweet digs.
Okay, boys. Good, you're settling in.
Now, I just have one note here.
- Shh. - The player reception is
at 5:30 in the PM time. And it's compulsory feetwear.
So, wear something on your feet, please.
Like a slippers. Or a sandal. Okay, yeah.
- (PLAYER 3 GRUNTING) - Thanks.
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
- Tonga, Tonga. - (PLAYERS MUTTERING)
(PLAYERS MAKING KISSING SOUNDS)
(HISSING AND KISSING SOUNDS STOPS)
Nice of you guys to show up.
That's very kind. Thank you.
It was an insult!
Oh, I should've known you were going to put a twist on it.
So, this is the competition.
Nothing to worry about.
No. Things have changed. We got a new coach.
Your coach is shit. He's a failure.
He's just like you.
Obviously, you're trying to get under our skin.
But American Samoan skin is impenetrable. Okay?
Unless you got a sharp object
like, um, scissors, um, screwdriver, needle.
Anything that kind of comes down to a really sharp point.
(SCOFFS)
- See you at the party. - (TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
Don't forget to bring your mascot. (CHUCKLES)
(PLAYERS MAKING KISSING SOUNDS)
(TONGAN PLAYERS SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
-"See you at the party later." -"See you at the party later."
"See you at the party later." (CHUCKLES)
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh, the glitz, the glamour,
the little flowers on the table!
Thomas, isn't this wonderful?
Look, it's a veritable who's that of world soccer.
Let's get out of here, T. Hit the beach.
Six pack. This isn't us.
We just got here. The night's still young.
- Oh, shit. - MEN: Hey!
- There he is. There he is. - T! T! (CHUCKLES)
KEITH: Good day, mate. ANGUS: Fancy seeing you here.
- What's happening? - Hey! Hey!
- Hi. All right. - Hi.
- What's going on, huh? - Angus.
Hey!
Hey, give him a bumming. Give him a bumming.
- Oh, yeah. Bumming! - Please.
- That's enough! That's enough! - There you go. Right-oh.
Settle down, mate. It's good to see you.
Tavita, this is, uh, Angus, Keith. Socceroos.
Oh, the Socceroos, our arch nemesises.
Hey? What are you...?
ANGUS AND KEITH: Oh!
American Samoa. (CHUCKLES)
- We played in that game. - We played in that game.
Yeah, show him your mark.
Show him the mark, show him the mark.
- Wait, wait. - He doesn't show
- anyone this. - Let me show you the mark.
ANGUS AND KEITH: Oh!
- (SINGING) 31, 31 - (SINGING) 31, 31, 31
Ah, mate, we've moved on. Put it away.
No, we haven't. It's part of our heritage.
- I'm putting it away. - So, hey?
Coaching American Samoa.
Took the job that nobody wanted.
- He hasn't even been... - Right! Good on ya.
- ...fired yet. - Hey, no, but seriously,
how they going? You having a few wins?
KEITH: Yeah.
We're, you know, we're...
ANGUS: Oi! A-Train.
- Toot toot! (CHUCKLES) - KEITH: A-Train!
- Hi. - Hey. Hey. Hey.
Oh. Oh.
- You look good. - I missed you.
You look good.
ALEX: Hey, there he is.
- Hey. - Alex. Hey.
- You're looking kind of tired. - Yes, I was going to say
he's looking pretty tired, isn't he?
- Jet lag. - Thank you.
Um, Tavita, I'd like to introduce you
to Gail, my wife.
- Separated. - Oh.
And this is Alex. Uh, my boss and Gail's manfriend.
Mr. Alex, on behalf of FFAS, we just want to thank you
for sending us this super coach.
He's really turned things around.
Great. Hey, can I talk to you real quick outside?
- Sure. - He wants to have a word
with you outside.
It won't take a second.
(PLAYERS SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(TONGAN PLAYERS LAUGHING)
Jaiyah!
- Jaiyah! - (TONGAN PLAYERS LAUGH)
(EXHALES) Man. I got to say, really proud of you.
We never thought you'd make it. Congrats.
Thanks, Alex. I mean, I don't know what to say.
I'm so proud of what we've done here.
Yeah. That's great.
Not that it really matters anymore.
What do you mean?
Don't worry about it. It's just...
You have shown real improvement
and that's what matters.
I'm going to find you a real job after this.
Alex, what are you saying?
Look, Thomas, I once had this dog.
- I know about the dog. - No, this is a different dog.
You don't know this dog. This dog was, uh,
this dog was never any good.
He was slow and he couldn't run,
and he never caught a stick or did anything
and so, the kindest thing to do was to put him down.
So, we killed him. Shot him.
The team is the dog?
Yeah, of course, the team is the dog. It's a metaphor.
How many dogs do you think I've killed?
Look, the herd is only as fast as its slowest animal.
That's like circle-of-life shit.
Well, I believe we can score a goal.
A goal? Who gives a shit about a goal?
What if we win the match?
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
I don't think they have a word in their language for win.
Look, man. Soccer is not in their DNA. They're weak.
No, Alex. They are not weak.
Some of the sacrifices these players have made,
I mean, I'm talking about life-altering sacrifices.
Look, I wish there was something I could say
that would magically make you feel better about this. Oh...
Hakuna matata.
(DRUMS PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE)
(PLAYERS SINGING IN SAMOAN)
COACH D'AMATO: (ON TV) The biggest battle
of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Now, either
we heal as a team
- or we're going to crumble... - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
...inch by inch, play by play, till we're finished.
We're in hell right now.
We can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us...
- Hi. - Hey.
- Nightcap? - Sure.
- Let's go. - We can fight our way back...
- Oh, right. - ...into the light.
We can climb out of hell...
THOMAS: You know, I think island life
has had a real effect on me.
I feel like a new man. Kind of Zen.
You seem the same.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Are you happy?
I feel terrific.
Tomorrow, we're going to lose the match.
- Oh, come on. - And get kicked out
- of International Football. - You don't really think that.
Pretty much the end of my career.
You're the best.
I'm a laughingstock.
You're a real buzzkill.
- Oh, no. - Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is fun.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
I love you.
You define love as wanting to be wanted.
You just don't want to be alone.
Yeah? That's the definition of love.
I'll always have a broken heart,
but I'm moving.
Trying to move on.
It's been two years and I don't think
you're even talking about it.
What's there to talk about?
All right, let's not talk then.
Come on, old man.
Oh, God. Are we doing this? Really?
- GAIL: Come on. - Okay.
GAIL: I bet you can't get it.
THOMAS: Well, you're supposed to put it on the ground.
- (GAIL CHUCKLES) - It's called football.
Hey!
GAIL: (CHUCKLES) Don't tell me what to do.
TAVITA: You have a very fascinating family dynamic, Thomas.
You know, I saw this German film.
And they seemed to have a similar arrangement.
You know, there was this one woman and all these guys.
I couldn't figure out which one was married to her
because they were all acting like they were
- married to her. - ACE: Lovely jogging.
Best one I've seen yet.
DARU: Hey, it's Nicky!
Oh, Christmas has come early. It's Nicky Salapu!
- Nicky Salapu! - Nicky!
- (NICKY CHUCKLES) - (PLAYERS EXCLAIMING)
Where did he come from?
Nicky Salapu.
- THOMAS: Okay, okay. - Yes!
THOMAS: Guys, come on, come on. Leave him alone.
- Let's go, let's go. - ACE: Come on,
- do your stretching. - Let's get some breakfast,
- and, uh, hydrate. - That way.
In that order.
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
You made it.
I guess, uh, my speech actually had some effect?
Well, no.
Actually, I did some research on you, and it
turns out you're a bigger loser than I am.
Yeah, I mean, you've failed so many times or been fired.
It actually makes me feel better about being
the worst goalkeeper in the world.
Oh.
(LIPS TRILLING)
(TONGAN PLAYERS SHOUTING)
(PLAYERS MAKING KISSING SOUNDS)
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
(KISSING SOUNDS AND HISSING STOPS)
American Samoa,
in a few hours we will see you on the field with Tonga!
- Tonga! - TONGAN TEAM: Tonga!
Tonga, in a few hours, you meet American Samoa
on the field.
Also.
(TONGAN TEAM LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING STOPS)
Tonga! Move it out!
(TONGAN PLAYERS HISSING)
(PLAYERS MAKING KISSING SOUNDS, STOPS)
All right, guys. They're scared.
(PLAYERS AGREEING)
COMMENTATOR: Welcome to today's World Cup
qualifying match between Tonga and American Samoa.
Thank you.
Here's your seat, darling. Here's your seat.
- Hi, fellas. - Alligator! How are ya?
(THOMAS CLEARS THROAT)
Don't know what to say, really.
A few minutes to the biggest battle
of our professional lives.
All comes down to today.
Now, either we heal as a team.
Or we're going to crumble, inch by inch,
play by play, till we're finished.
Hang on. That's the Any Given Sunday speech.
(PLAYERS AGREEING)
No, Daru.
So, I'd like you to see this space as a safe space
where you can share your stories,
your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
So, please. Anyone.
Hey, what's up, everybody? It's me, Smiley.
PLAYER: Hey, Smiley.
Um, it's funny you guys call me Smiley.
I don't really smile much
outside of this place.
As some of you may know,
I had a pretty rough year this past year
after both my parents got arrested for...
Let's go, guys, time to play.
Another time, Smiley.
Okay, guys, we've done the hard work.
Let's do this!
Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where's Jaiyah?
- (TEAM CHATTERING) - Jaiyah, where is she?
Where's Jaiyah?
(SNIFFLING)
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(JAIYAH GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
Jaiyah! What's going on?
(SIGHS) Go away, coach.
- What's wrong? - I just... (SOBS)
You know what? Pregame nerves. Totally normal.
Pregame nerves.
Everybody gets them. Hey, hey, hey,
come on, come on. Oi, hey, hey.
- (SOBBING) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is it? Hey, talk to me.
I went off my hormones.
I went off my hormones so I could perform better.
For you and for the boys.
And now I don't feel like myself.
I feel ugly. And everyone knows it. And...
I feel crazy.
And I can't do this, coach, I can't.
- Hey, hey? - (SNIFFLING)
Look at me. Keep your head up, keep your head up.
Come on, keep your head up. Be proud.
You inspire those players in there.
I can't inspire them.
I need your help.
They're not going to follow me.
But they will follow you.
Will you do me a favor,
and lead them out onto the pitch?
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah?
Come on. Up you get.
Let's get you ready.
Okay, right. Let's fix your hair, here.
Yeah. That's nice.
- Yeah, that looks terrible. - It's kind of nice.
It's the way I used to do my daughter's hair.
- She liked it. - (CHUCKLES)
Well, she was probably lying to you.
Very possible.
- You okay? - I'm okay.
Okay.
I'll see you out there.
(SIGHS)
- (DRUMS PLAYING) - (SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) American Samoa!
(TEAM EXCLAIMS)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(TONGAN TEAM CHANTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(IN ENGLISH) Hey, boss. I got these made up for us.
For you and me.
- The two Miyagis. - Yeah. Two Miyagis.
CASHIER: Shh, shh, shh!
Hey, hey, hey. (SPEAKS SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) It's starting, it's starting. Shh.
I'm embarrassed already.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(PLAYER 1 EXCLAIMS)
MAN: Let's go, boys.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: Excellent. Yes, Jaiyah.
Open it, give him some space.
(THOMAS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- ACE: Go, Jonah! - Hit it!
- Go, Jonah! - THOMAS: Kick it!
(GROANS)
This close. It was this close.
Here we go again.
Watch, watch, watch.
I got him! I got him!
RUTH: Go, Daru!
THOMAS: Daru, stay on your feet!
Stay on your feet!
- Hold that back line. - ACE: Yeah.
Squeeze him, Jaiyah! Don't let him roll you.
Come out, Nicky!
Come on, Nicky, you can do it!
- (GRUNTS) - THOMAS: Good, good.
That's it.
Jaiyah! Don't let him roll you like that.
It's okay.
Guys, guys! Go, go, go!
Pass it off! Pass it off!
Find the player. Come on, Samson.
ACE: Samson! THOMAS: Hunt him down.
First try, Jonah. First try!
(GROANS)
Not your day, mate.
Shut up!
Don't get fired, mate.
Get back, back, back! Back!
Come on, come on, come on.
Beat him to it.
- (TONGAN PLAYER GRUNTS) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- THOMAS: Daru, what was that? - Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Come on! - THOMAS: Bring it in!
Bring it in. Come on.
Rambo, switch with Vegas. Daru, be careful.
- Nicole, I need you to... - Nicole?
Jaiyah, I need you to control that back line.
You have to communicate!
Now, I made you captain. Now own it. Let's go!
- Okay, coach. - Come on, team!
Let's go, team!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (GRUNTS) - Keep going.
Go. Pass, pass. Pass.
(SPECTATORS GROAN)
Pass it. Support him. What the...
- REFEREE: Coach. - Okay.
Shit!
(CHUCKLES)
Jaiyah, hold that back line! Where are you going?
(PLAYERS SHOUTING)
Ah! Shit.
SPECTATOR: Let's go, Rambo. Come on.
(GROANS)
(DARU GRUNTS)
- (SPECTATORS EXCLAIM) - (NICKY GRUNTS)
(CHEERING)
COMMENTATOR: Goal! SPECTATORS: No!
Oh, shit! Fuck!
(ALL GROANING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COMMENTATOR: And that's halftime.
Tonga takes a one nil lead into the half.
(THOMAS GRUNTS)
(TEAM CHATTERING)
(YELLING) Shut up!
Sit down!
What the hell is going on out there?
What about all the training?
This is bullshit.
I would've killed to play international soccer.
But you losers don't seem to give two shits.
You're losers!
JONAH: I'm sorry, coach.
We're just not feeling it.
(MOCKINGLY) "Sorry, coach. I'm just not feeling it."
What does that mean, "not feeling it"? Nothing!
It does mean something, Thomas.
Feeling is very important to us.
It's not that we've forgotten what you have taught us.
It's... it's just that we've taken too much to heart.
It's too tense. We keep thinking we might win.
We've never fought like that before.
Well, don't worry. Because that's not gonna happen
the way you're playing. Trust me.
(SPEAKING SAMOAN)
Yeah. Ah, Samson says
the guys are really stressed out.
And stress is a silent killer.
It's like when the Predator...
THOMAS: Really? ACE: Yeah.
Great. Perfect. I give up. Sick of this shit.
Good luck.
Mr. Rongen? Mr. Rongen.
What? What do you want from me, Tavita?
Look, I like you. But I'm done.
I got to get off this island.
And you're not going to change my mind
with any stories of marinated fish.
I'm not here to talk about marinated fish.
But I want you to be happy.
I'm not happy. I'm not a happy person.
And I hate to break it to you,
but you're not going to get your "one goal."
That's all right.
I'm kind of used to that by now, Mr. Rongen.
It's not my fault, man. I tried.
- I know, I know. - They don't listen to me.
- I know. - It's over!
- They're shutting you down. - Oh. That I did not know.
(SIGHS) That will be why Mr. Alex is here.
(TAVITA SIGHS)
Oh, well.
On the bright side,
I got to go on a tropical island getaway.
Take in the sights with my friend, Thomas.
What is it with you?
Why are you always so positive?
It's sickening.
You should coach them. They believe in you.
But you have to show them who you are.
They don't know you. You don't talk to them.
Ever since you got to our island,
you've been somewhere else.
Even now, you're somewhere else.
Maybe it's in the past,
because you thought you were happier then.
But I think you could be happy here, now.
But you actually have to be here, now.
I can't win.
Then lose.
But don't lose alone.
Lose with us.
And there's always the second half.
That's another chance.
Second halves everywhere.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(TEAM CHATTERING)
THOMAS: Right. Get rid of it.
This is all nonsense.
(THOMAS GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
Mmm. Okay.
Shouldn't have, uh, called you losers.
Um, it's not true. You're not.
I'm the loser.
So, (CLEARS THROAT) two years ago,
I lost my daughter in a car accident.
Her name was Nicole.
And that's her hat.
She was the greatest, you know.
She was, um, bright and funny, and, uh,
she loved soccer. She loved it.
We used to sit up and talk about the game.
Most nights.
And then, uh,
one day, she was on her way to practice
and she lost control and crashed.
That was it.
She was gone.
I lost my baby.
(SNIFFLES) Sorry. Okay.
I guess, I got pretty angry at the world
but mainly, I was angry at myself. Maybe...
if I took her to practice, she'd still be here.
(EXHALES) Maybe if I was there for her a bit more.
A lot of maybes.
Why'd I take this job?
For the challenge? No.
I couldn't give two shits
about turning this team around.
I was, uh, forced to take it.
It was the only job I could get.
And I didn't want it, guys.
You know, I thought I was better than you.
And fact of the matter is, you don't need me at all.
You're already perfect.
So basically, my advice to you would be,
"Don't listen to me."
Go out there and do what you do.
Or don't do it.
Whatever. You know?
You've reminded me
that I've always loved playing more than winning.
So, enjoy this match.
I mean, life's short. Football's a game.
I just want you all to be happy.
But we want to win, coach.
Then be happy.
(SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(SNIFFLES)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(IN ENGLISH) Coach, nice pep talk.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
Hey, Chief, got any spare chicken, there?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS: No pressure.
Enjoy yourselves.
It's just a game.
(PLAYER 2 SPEAKING SAMOAN)
THOMAS: (IN ENGLISH) Life is good.
ACE: Yes, Jaiyah. Yeah.
Oh, good kicking!
Push up, push up, push up.
THOMAS: Look for it.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
- COMMENTATOR: Goal! - Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
We scored a goal! We scored a goal!
We actually scored a goal!
(GROANS)
(ALL CHEERING)
That's my boy! That's my boy!
COMMENTATOR: This is the first goal ever for American Samoa.
Let's go, Samoa!
My baby! Rambo did it, you guys.
COMMENTATOR: What a match!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow!
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoa, no, no, no. Whoa. Somebody!
Darling! Darling!
Oh, no!
- Help! - Somebody.
I need medical assistance over in section...
Hey, Ma. Dad. Dad. Wake up.
Dad, it's me. Dad?
RUTH: No, no, no. Okay, okay. DARU: Hey, hey.
Calm down. Calm down.
- What happened? - (TAVITA SIGHS)
They said I suffered a massive stroke.
Heat stroke.
Yeah, a massive heat stroke.
It was awful, son.
Scary for everyone involved.
But in time, maybe even an hour,
I think I'll be up on my feet again.
Okay, you're going to be okay.
How much did we lose by? 10-one?
- What was the final score? - Calm down, Dad. Okay?
- Breathe in. (INHALES) Out. - (INHALES, EXHALES)
- I'm ready, I'm ready, okay? - Yeah. Yeah, okay. Calm down.
- Tell me what happened. - Calm down. You calm?
TAVITA: Okay. Yeah. Go.
Now I'm going to tell you what happened.
- Tell me what happened. - All right.
DARU: Possession kept going back and forth.
And things were tense.
Because we knew the whole country was watching.
And that people would talk about this day
for years to come.
And then Tonga broke with the ball.
- I got him! - It was a one-on-one
between me and Alishe and I thought I could take the ball.
But if I dived in and missed,
there was going to be a certain goal.
But it was different.
I felt different.
I stood up
and I tackled him.
- (TONGAN PLAYER GRUNTS) - (SPECTATORS CHEER)
Suddenly, we're on the attack.
I played the ball up to Vegas.
He saw the keeper out of position and
he shot with his almighty power.
But the keeper
saved and scrambled it behind for a corner.
Yes! This is it, this is it.
Jaiyah!
Get up.
DARU: In the box there was a lot of tussling,
and things were getting serious.
Deph took the corner.
It was a right-footed in-swinger.
It looked like Tonga would clear.
But then...
Jaiyah.
Goal.
Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING) - (JAIYAH LAUGHING)
That's what I'm talking about, boy.
Goal!
COMMENTATOR: And another historic goal!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Unbelievable! American Samoa...
Yes!
COMMENTATOR: ...the last-ranked team in the world,
might actually win this thing!
- We scored? - Yeah.
- A goal? An actual goal? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Another one?
- Okay. - Did you hear that? Two!
Everything was going great. With only 30 seconds left
on the clock. We were winning.
But then the referee decided to add
five minutes to the game.
- What a disgrace. - Yeah.
TAVITA: Then what happened?
DARU: The match was almost over.
We were holding up under the pressure.
(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)
TONGAN PLAYER: Got it!
Stop, thief!
You can only get away with one of those a game.
The ball was passed wide and the Tonga winger
sent over a great cross.
Nicky was catching these all day,
but under the pressure...
(NICKY GRUNTS)
...he fumbled it.
It hit his hand and it was rolling towards the goal.
- Oh, shit. - DARU: Then,
out of nowhere
came Jaiyah.
She slid in at the last minute and hooked
the ball off the line, saving a certain goal.
Yes, Jaiyah! Yes!
But then,
the ball fell to Alishe
and he wasn't going to miss.
I didn't have any option.
As he drew back to shoot, I dived in.
(DARU GRUNTS)
Clear penalty. It was my fault.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Hit him, darling.
- You idiot! - Then what happened?
Nicky Salapu had to face the penalty by himself.
- Oh, Jesus, it gets worse. - RUTH: Oh, God.
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
"I had been catching these all day.
"It was my time."
ACE: Everything was on the line.
Oh, the pressure!
- Yeah. He was under pressure. - Oh, pressure.
- Absolutely. Pressure. - Oh! Pressure cooker.
THOMAS: Come on, Nicky. PLAYER 3: Go, Nicky.
THOMAS: Let's go, Nicky! PLAYER 3: Let's go!
- Let's go, Nicky. - TAVITA: Don't tell me
Nicky Salapu had a meltdown in goal?
The horror of those 31 goals against
Australia 10 years ago
came back and haunted him.
(GROANS)
I suppose he lost his composure
and just stepped aside and let the ball go in.
Damn everyone watching!
Is that what happened?
He probably was freaking out a bit.
"But I wasn't freaking out."
ACE: Nicky wasn't freaking out
because he knew he had the history
of a thousand chiefs holding him up.
But he just had to let go of everything.
"The past."
ACE: The present.
NICKY: "The future.
"But I had to let it go.
(EXHALES)
"All of it."
He just had to become Nicky.
I'm Nicky Salapu. Say it.
I'm Nicky Salapu.
(TENSE CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
- (CHEERS) - (ALL CHEERING)
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
DARU: The whistle blew.
For a second, we didn't know what was going on.
We never felt like this before.
Until we'd realized...
COMMENTATOR: With a final score of two-to-one,
American Samoa...
We win! We won! We won! We won!
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah!
COMMENTATOR: American Samoa wins its
first match ever!
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
ALEX: We did this!
All right! (CHUCKLES)
(THOMAS CHUCKLES)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
- We won? - We won?
- We won. You won a game, Dad. - What?
- Yes, Jesus, we won! - Oh, we won!
- Yes! - (DARU CHUCKLES)
- I always knew it. - (CHUCKLES)
Oh, son, I knew you could do it.
- Oh, my heart, my heart! - Okay.
One goal! One goal!
- (WAVES LAPPING) - (BIRDS CHIRPING)
VOICEMAIL: Last saved message.
NICOLE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Okay, seriously,
get Mom to show you how to check your messages.
Although, I guess if you're hearing this,
you've figured it out.
Anyway, to answer your question,
school is good. It's great, actually.
I genuinely like all my classes.
Intro to Psych is really cool, and so is Anthro.
That professor is just awesome.
And everyone's happy to be here.
I've met so many new people.
And there's just so much to talk about.
I mean, it's like anything's possible, you know?
I don't know. I guess I'm just saying
there's more to life than soccer.
Okay. Love you.
(THOMAS BREATHING HEAVILY)
(BELL TOLLING)
(ALL SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Dear Lord. What more can I say?
Nothing, really.
I had a dream and it came true.
We scored a goal.
And then we scored another goal.
And then we won a game!
And then, we lost the next game.
And we didn't qualify for the World Cup.
But you know what, Lord? Despite that loss,
I'm happy.
So, thank you for sending us Mr. Rongen.
We've become quite attached to him.
It's like finding a little lost white kid at the mall
and telling him which way to go.
Thank you, Lord. Amen.
ALL: Amen.
THOMAS: Dear Lord.
I'm praying as a weird way of letting the team know that
I've been offered a job
with MLS side, LA Galaxy
starting immediately.
(GROUP MURMURING)
But as of today, I've decided not to take the job. Amen.
GROUP: Amen. TAVITA: Wow, Lord, that is
a huge gesture and a real credit to us as a team.
Uh, well, Lord, the thing is
I'm still leaving.
(GROUP MURMURING)
But not for football, Lord.
I want some time for me.
Uh, you know, so I can remind myself
that there's other more important things
to life than this game. Amen.
GROUP: Amen. TAVITA: Dear Lord.
Way to get our hopes up, jeez!
It's a real rollercoaster ride, this one.
Oh, well, in that case,
please tell Mr. Rongen that we love him very much.
And that he will always have a home here in American Samoa.
- (TAVITA SPEAKING SAMOAN) - (GROUP SPEAKING SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Amen.
(ALL SINGING IN SAMOAN)
(SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROUP CHANTING INDISTINCTLY)
(CHANTING IN SAMOAN)
(IN ENGLISH) Do you want to get your asses kicked
by Tonga? Go! Pressure! Fighter!
Ay-ay-ay, Daru.
Yes, yes.
(SU'GA EA BY THA FEELSTYLE PLAYING)
(CLUCKING)
Good job.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
THOMAS: Come on, Jaiyah, go! Push, push, push, push!
Just want to say, I love you guys.
No matter how different I am. And how different we all are.
(ALL CHEERING)
(GENTLE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
PRIEST: And so ends our tale of woe.
I guess it just goes to show,
no matter what happens to you,
when the going gets rough, when the chips are down,
when you feel like you can't carry on,
when you feel like there's no hope
or you just can't do it,
anything can happen
and a whole lot of miracles
when you just have a little bit of faith.
Ah, shit!
（根據眞實事件改編）
你好
沒看到你偷偷跟著我
歡迎，過來聽我說…
這個感人的悲傷故事
不是那種好可憐的悲傷
而是，哇塞，太屌了
沒想到眞有這種事
中間加了幾個誇張的情節
這是兩座島嶼的故事
一座島是熱帶太平洋中
美麗的蕞爾小島
美屬薩摩亞
可愛的島民信仰虔誠
辛勤工作，信仰虔誠
但另一座島，是一個人
外國白人
跟任何精彩的故事一樣
這個故事從莫大的恥辱開始
（二零零一世界盃資格賽）
他們來了，美屬薩摩亞隊
（國際足球史上最慘敗績）
面帶微笑，但又略顯憂慮
（澳洲零，美屬薩摩亞零）
踢進第一分
（澳洲一，美屬薩摩亞零）
進球，三分了
又進球了，澳洲隊五分
天啊，眞丟臉，小孩對抗大人
天啊…快數不清了
越來越尷尬
進球…
太輕鬆了，進球
卅一分
美屬薩摩亞創下世界盃史上
輸得最慘的紀錄
（尼基薩拉普：世界最寂寞守門員）
（足球史上最慘敗績）
十年後，他們還是一樣爛
其實甚至變得更爛
（二零一一太平洋運動會比賽）
（美屬薩摩亞國家隊）
過來
美屬薩摩亞
薩摩亞 -薩摩亞
你們超遜
我們輸定了
《下一球，勝利》
我們可以，加油！
要進球了
你在幹嘛？-得分
我手套還沒戴好
皮沙，戴手套 -我還沒好
拜託
來幫忙…
得分
跑過去…
得分
上半場有夠慘
我非發飆一下不可
準備聽我發飆了嗎？
是
好，是你們要求的
聽好了
你們以前爛，現在也爛
爛到爆
你們的心在哪？鬥志在哪？
要用心和鬥志踢球
你們好爛，爛透了
王牌，接下來讓我來
這樣最好
各位，聽好
如果你們不認識我，我是塔維塔陶馬
美屬薩摩亞足協理事長
不過你們應該都認識我
兒子 -爸
我是來求你們下半場做到一件事
我知道我們一球都沒進過，沒有
但我們非得分不可，因為…
我和其他島嶼的足協理事長打賭
我們能進球
如果沒進球，他們會在我臉上畫巨乳
這個動機很強吧
兩隊請回球場
好，剩下卌五分鐘
加油，美屬薩摩亞
團結一心！
大家別洩氣
對手沒有每一球都進
這就是心和鬥志，對吧，塔維塔？
王牌，你是好人，卻是爛教練
你被開除了
好，沒關係，也算公道
對，你們瞧
數數有幾個奶
數一下
幾個還是幾對？
幫你們省省力氣，有十一對
十一對奶
他們用麥克筆畫的
這代表什麼意思？
永遠洗不掉
你們輸得還不夠嗎？
我國成立足球隊以來沒進過一球
不覺得奇怪嗎？
記住我的話
歷史要改變了
我要聘請一位新教練
新教練
我去哪裡找新教練？
你得去島外找
不行，那是叛國
派那支雜牌軍去丟人現眼才是叛國
你得跳脫思考框架
有時框架小到跳不出來
我想一下
我已經搞定了
我打給美國足協，請他們登徵才廣告
爸，不必找有救世主情結的白人
教我們怎麼踢球
達魯
島上還有很多很棒的教練
誰？-王牌
我炒了他，他抗壓性低，扛不住壓力
你討厭壓力吧，王牌？
眞的，我受不了
離世界盃資格賽衹剩四週
應該在島上找教練
別逼我拿拖鞋打你們
我們要找眞的教練，少囉唆
別以為我沒註意到你臉上的巨乳
那些是誰的奶？
不知道，他們畫的
畫奶就是打算偷吃
給我小心點，老公
（美國足協）
我知道這一季表現不如預期
它號稱美麗的運動
其實非常複雜
足球，腳球，不管怎麼稱呼
它就像人生
現在勢如破竹，下個月就一敗塗地
我想我們下一季很有機會
衹要你們相信我
讓我用我的方法來訓練
抱歉，湯瑪斯，沒人告訴你嗎？
你被開除了
眞的沒人通知你？
瑞斯，你沒有… -當然有
我被開除了？是在搞笑嗎？
你這麼震驚可以理解
你應該會經歷悲傷五階段
瑞斯，你有…
謝謝你，亞歷，我們很快講一下
謝謝克里斯，太低了，放回去
過頭了
停在那裡，對，好了
（否認）
謝謝克里斯，轉一下
翻過來 -翻…
對了，轉一下
第一階段，否認
不會吧
就是這樣，典型的否認
好消息是你有兩個選擇，瑞斯
（失業）
選擇一，這是你目前的狀態
或者… -克里斯
太平洋？
是，不，應該說是美屬薩摩亞
美屬薩摩亞？
你認眞？這是在惡搞嗎？
蓋兒，你知道這件事嗎？
知道，這是我的構想
你竟然這樣對我
我應該受到尊重
天啊
我是現場唯一懂足球的人
（憤怒）
第二階段，憤怒
眞的怒了，離婚前他也這麼憤怒嗎？
他以前比較冷靜
湯瑪斯，別把這當成懲罰
這可能是療癒的機會
或許能找到新方向
蓋兒，我喜歡，講得太好了，超讚
我曾經是頂尖教練
這不公平
公平？
知道什麼叫公平嗎？
開始了
說個故事給你聽，老哥
我小時候有條狗，我好愛牠
後來牠老了
我想牠有情緒控管問題
簡直變了個樣
我爸說把牠安樂死
我們帶牠到外頭，牠發出嗚咽聲
我們拉牠出來…「不公平
記得我以前多乖嗎？」
我爸叫我把狗帶到外面
讓牠在池塘裡溺死
我是這故事裡的狗？
當然不是，我在講小時候養的狗
還有我爸有點欠扁
聽好
我能改變
我很有彈性
先別急著做決定
（討價還價）
眞厲害，湯瑪斯，你進展得很快
衹剩下兩階段 -太棒了
我得…
哇
克里斯？
（沮喪）
衹剩一個，它是我最喜歡的
（接受）
隆根先生，你好，隆根先生
歡迎來到美屬薩摩亞
搞屁啊？
請別爆粗口
我們是《誰在飛機上》
美屬薩摩亞最受好評的節目
我們訪問搭機來訪的旅客
我想觀眾想知道的是…
你為何飛越大半個地球
來指導世界最差勁的足球隊？
我具有非常特別的能力
在漫長職涯中獲得的能力
使我成為你這種人的夢魘
我要將我的絕活與獨到見解
註入這美麗的運動，翻轉球隊的命運
我不是上帝
但也很可能是
因為我比祂創造更多奇蹟
好的，我們能肯定一件事
新教練非常親切活潑
下次請繼續觀賞《誰在飛機上》
湯瑪斯隆根先生
眞高興見到你
我是塔維塔，美屬薩摩亞足協理事長
兼任《誰在飛機上》攝影師？
這是座小島，我們都身兼多職
您是榮譽貴賓，我們有特別的驚喜
在外面等著
葛斯負責接待你
你一定會喜歡
太興奮了，各位…
爸，我們來幹嘛？
這是我刺激驚喜大計畫的一環
各位，我很驕傲地正式宣佈
美屬薩摩亞足球隊新任正式國家教練
他訓練過世界頂尖球隊
而且，他原本來自歐洲
我們以美屬薩摩亞的熱情歡迎他
好，來吧
你的座駕已備妥
可以了
非常好
他感受到熱情了，訓練場見
爸，有多少外國人應徵？
反應超熱烈
是喔？幾個人應徵？
有他
衹有他
但他來應徵就不得了了
我覺得情況會好轉
就像《駭客任務》
我想這個人就是尼歐
（歡迎蒞臨美屬薩摩亞）
歡迎蒞臨美屬薩摩亞
擁有五萬七千五百卅四人口
美屬薩摩亞是美國屬地
就像波多黎各，但更小更遠
兩大輸出品是美式足球員和鮪魚
請別和薩摩亞獨立國搞混
他們的人臭屁又勢利
老是吹噓有廿四小時營業的麥當勞
即使都是薩摩亞人，卻有兩個薩摩亞
你能開快一點嗎？
我絕對不超速
全島速限都是卅二公里
冷知識，美屬薩摩亞旗幟上的鳥…
歡迎來到你的新住所
那是你的車，讓你在島上自由行動
再來就是耀眼的主角
這是你的城堡
房東叫西翁尼，住隔壁
他七二四待命，滿足你的需求
七二四？
每週七天每天廿四小時
我讓你整理一下
我把歡迎蒞臨的錄影帶留著
有空可以看看
再過四週就是資格賽了，隆根先生
我衹要球隊進一球就好
一球
喂？
喂？我能打電話嗎？
（維吉尼亞聯邦大學）
隆根榮獲美國職足大聯盟年度教練獎
指導過美國男子國家隊
兩年前他的職業生涯跌落谷底
我們好奇的問題是
為何飛越半個地球
來指導世界上最爛的足球隊？
隆根教練特立獨行
（嗶）
（二零一一世界足球排名）
該隊希望他能讓他們別再鬧國際笑話
（誰在飛機上）
我們在他下機時碰到他
歡迎來到美屬薩摩亞
搞屁啊？
你上過電視，名人耶
歡迎光臨本店
你發現我們位置明顯的酒類區了
我們還有便利租片區
（租一送一）
以及捕夢網區
你們有公用電話嗎？
哈囉？
請問一下
哈囉？
搞什麼…
假裝受傷，抓住你的腿
很痛，跌倒，演一下
阿諾倒地
起來…
很好，我們來練習
指著別人怪他們犯規
等一下
隆根先生
很好，小弟
到店裡買我們講的那瓶酒
快去，謝了，小弟
快跑
各位
我一直在觀察你們
衹能說你們很沒路用
毫無天份和技巧，也不懂足球
我們要改善兩個很簡單的東西
體能和紀律
起司和胡椒
簡單的料理，做得好卻很美味
我們要這麼辦
排成兩排，練衝刺短跑
跑到球門再回來
兩排，折返跑
起司和胡椒，快，起跑
為什麼？我想看你們的能耐
你們是一群肉腳
我是鐵血教練
看你們多少人能跑滿九十分鐘
快跑，起司胡椒
嘉雅 -你好
大家好
你們，怎麼搞的？
剛剛說什麼？紀律
好，到球門前做皕個仰臥起坐
快去
快去，皕個
教練，抱歉我遲到了
我剛從夏威夷過來
我正在跟球隊講話
你一定是球隊按摩師
你可以在… -不是
我不是球隊按摩師
我也是球員
我不知道女子隊在哪練習，不在這裡
不，嘉雅是我們的隊員
這支球隊
她是女的
還不是
到底是怎樣，王牌？
她是嘉雅
我們的中鋒，嘉雅
好啦，很有哏
超幽默，我懂了
好啊，嘉雅，過去集合
謝囉，教練
這下你糗了，她要踢球
眞妙
這傢伙怪怪的
他是白人
不是，別的原因
我們繼續盯著他
好，王牌
看看他們有什麼能耐
動起來，隊員
起來了
哇，鐵血教練果然有一套
王牌，介紹一下，誰是誰？
好，那是笑面仔
他是足球猛男
笑面仔
那是達魯
外號足球壞小子
老愛鏟球，常吃紅黃牌，很壞
那個是參孫
因為髮型嗎？
不，三星，跟著韓國科技大廠取名
他爸叫索尼
還有嘉雅，足球界超級名模
本名叫什麼？
嘉雅 -身份證上的名字
強尼，但千萬別那樣叫她
她是「法法菲妮」
什麼意思？
這是我們的文化
他們是我們的一份子，衹是與眾不同
你們都能接受嗎？
怎麼說呢？
想像一個沒有花的世界
法法菲妮就是我們的花朵
少了他們世界就太無趣了
他們很漂亮
球門那個大塊呆是誰？
那是皮沙
他其實不是守門員，他是中場
但他發現手套… -等一下
那個是誰？
喬納，足球界的霹靂車
集合
吹口哨…集合
全隊集合
坐下
爛透了
你們在場上鬼混
踢足球要有熱情
好丟臉
我應該狠踹你們所有人
你覺得好笑嗎？
對啊，想起來很好笑
抱歉，衹想開心一下
足球很好玩
跟你們說什麼不好玩
看著你們跑跑跳跳
像彩虹小馬一樣整理頭髮
一點也不好玩
亞曼尼
這個小男生就是我要說的
這才是熱情的化身
若有十一個亞曼尼，我就能征服世界
可惜我衹有一個
給我
這樣吧，我今天氣飽了
接下來交給亞曼尼
他充當我的眼睛和耳朵
亞曼尼說什麼就做什麼
亞曼尼，今天該做什麼？
各位，練習聳肩
上下，上下，快點
歡迎収聽語音信箱
您有十八則留言
第一則留言
爸，我看到你打來
你在哪？
說眞的，湯瑪斯隆根到底在哪裡？
好吧，打給我
舊鐵罐…
我在回収
大家隨便亂丟，它們被沖上岸來
以前很有價値，現在沒値多少錢
她在跟我說話嗎？
你覺得孤單，因為你孤單
就像這些舊鐵罐
這不是眞的，這是幻覺
這是眞的
你衹是個皮包骨白人，坐在那裡
望著大海找答案
也許你找的答案就在眼前
大家都該有第二次機會，連鐵罐也是
那個塑膠瓶沒有，別碰它
有心就能成就一個家
我來了，舊鐵罐阿桑
我整天的工作… -舊鐵罐
就是找舊鐵罐 -老婆
塔維塔，北七啊 -你跟他講了嗎？
有，你幹嘛叫我說那些鐵罐鬼話
什麼有心就能成就一個家？
聽來好像《駭客任務》那個老太婆
他是外國人，白人就愛心靈雞湯
你能想像少了瑜珈的世界嗎？
到處都會有肢體僵硬的白人
身上沒有異國圖案 -也沒雷鬼頭
沒錯，他們需要我們
我需要那個教練
各位，熱身做得很棒
表現得很好 -王牌
隆根先生
王牌 -是
我剛剛進行了一段深度的對話
重點是舊鐵罐
我們的隊員就像一堆鐵罐
看看他們
頹廢喪氣，萎靡不振
坐等不會出現的世界末日降臨
知道嗎？我們要給那些鐵罐一個目標
什麼目標，老大？
我們要發動核戰
集合，鐵罐
快點，鐵罐
我們來練習自由球
快點，動作快
動作快…過來
踢自由球的訣竅就是聲東擊西
看著
就是這樣
聲東擊西
聲東擊西，照我的動作
嘿！
這叫人肉跨欄
跳，跳
停，你繞過去
起司和胡椒，起司和胡椒
重點是踢中移動中的目標
沒路用
咩咩小黑羊，你有沒有羊毛？
請繼續唱
是的，我有
大家等一下
暫停…
嘉雅，為什麼遲到？
今天其他人都準時來練習
罰你彎道跑
去吧，繼續
跟彼此對話
拜託，專心點
加強轉彎的速度，快
快…
好吧，算了，算了
喝，喝，喝
小心… -重心放低
起司和胡椒 -走開
起司和胡椒
把球踢進網子裡
專註
看你射到哪裡了
搞什麼鬼？
別看我，看球
控球，達魯，那是傳球嗎？
一腳傳球
一腳傳球，傳球，快點
嘉雅，專心點，你掌控後衛，加油
「你們沒路用，我走了」怎麼說？
太長了，算了
信任
信任…好，信任
夠了，別碰我，信任毀了
（資格賽前三週）
好，現在越來越認眞了
我們要踢球整整九十分鐘
球衣隊對背心隊
一腳傳球限三次，開始
快…
往前推進…
加壓…
再快一點
看看他，如入無人之境
嘉雅，動起來
專心一點，嘉雅
你在等什麼？加壓…
不對…擠壓他，達魯
挺住
嘉雅，你在幹嘛？別再撩頭髮了
那是幹嘛？過來
幹嘛整理頭髮？
這不是舞蹈比賽，是國際足球賽
別弄了，正經一點
強尼，我在講話給我回來
我不叫強尼
你本名強尼，用強尼的名字踢球
我就要這樣叫你
趁早習慣，強尼
再叫我一次強尼，試試看
強尼
嘉雅，不行，他是教練
沒大沒小
好了
沒事，我很好
好
氣氛越來越緊張了
或許該休息一下
王牌，放飯
你們聽到了，吃飯
冷靜下來
尤其名字跟火押韻的話
六則留言
好吧
我覺得你不太懂電話怎麼用
它發出聲音時，你就接起來
我知道你應該在訓練球隊
抽空停下來，別吼他們，打給我
我都在
大明星，在《誰在飛機上》看過你
足球教練，你接了島上最難的工作
他們超難搞的 -難搞
教練，歡迎光臨敝餐廳
塔維塔餐廳，我的餐廳
你到底有幾個工作？
我們都身兼數職
賺得夠多才能養球隊
服務生，達魯 -什麼事？
請帶貴賓到我們的高級戶外桌
不必特別招待我，我坐外面
他們崇拜你，依賴你
你要嚴格，但態度和善
你好
先生
想喝什麼嗎？
威士忌、啤酒、葡萄酒？
我們都有，哪一種？
威士忌、啤酒和葡萄酒
（小心椰子掉落）
隆根先生
請用開胃菜，椰漿醃生魚
這是島上的經典料理，本店招待
情況還好嗎？
老實說
這是我這輩子碰過最爛的一群球員
我有特別的訓練方法
除非獲得必要的支援，否則不會成功
我們也有自己的方法，傳統
就像這道開胃菜
相信這條小魚沒想過有一天會被切塊
加上青蔥，一點番茄、黃椒
檸檬皮和少許辣椒粉
問問這邊的人，牠因此成了更好的魚
你可能也需要醃一下
看有什麼感覺
進一球就好
進一球
眞好吃，眞好吃
我需要立即支援，正在追一輛車
眞的嗎？-好像是一個外國人
開車橫衝直撞
時速可能飆到五十六公里
好快 -而且我的警笛掛了
天啊，好，註意安全，藍波
回家前能去跟佩西舅拿卡瓦嗎？
収到，我愛你，媽
我也愛你，寶貝 -愛你喔
慘了 -我是警察
能請你靠邊停嗎？對
數到三下車
準備好了嗎？
三
謝謝
好，龐克搖滾大師
嘿，電視上的傢伙
就是我，有什麼問題嗎？
我跟你說…
你還好嗎？
吐出來，大哥，我幫你
謝謝，感覺好多了
聽好，通常我會把你關到死
但現在我比較氣我的芒果汁罐
死罐子
不是蓋的
你右腳眞有力，法加羅力加
藍波
各位，介紹我們最新的隊員
藍波警官
我們把他踢出球隊了，他想逮捕我們
你們在私人土地上踢球
那塊地是我爸的
法規不是我訂的
是嗎？-對
超讚，你們被騙人的老把戲耍了
不懂嗎？這就是他們要的
誰？-他們
帝國主義者
先分化再征服
不能讓他們得逞，我們拚了這麼久
你才來幾天而已
羅馬是一天造成的
我們表現得很好啊
這樣吧
我們全隊一起爬上那座山
誰挺我？
不要 -教練，我腳踝痛死了
聽不見，誰挺我？
我媽在等我 -我的腳踝好痛
別這樣，我們是一個團隊
誰要跟我組成一隊攻頂？
你們要跟嗎？
陪我上山嗎，隊友？
好啦 -好的
好，走吧 -走
出發 -好
我們有進步了
等等，怎麼回事？
別坐下
還沒到，根本還沒開始
王牌，怎麼了？-宵禁時間
什麼？-鐘聲表示宵禁，該禱告了
全島會停下來，每天同一時間
我怎麼辦？我又沒信教
假裝一下？
好，我為你禱告
那有用嗎？塔維塔
資格賽衹剩三週，有很多事要做
明天我要展開體能訓練
看他們有多少人能撐滿九十分鐘
湯瑪斯，明天不訓練 -為什麼？
明天星期天 -所以呢？
球隊星期天不練習，那是罪
我的老天
隆根先生，歡迎你週日加入我們
那會是很棒的經驗
你能看到我們如何崇拜主
這是教會，足球就是教會
你們一點也不虔誠
我們對教會非常虔誠
這裡根本亂搞一通
你看…
這一段，這裡
摔椅子
他控制不了脾氣，最近被開除三次
不曉得，他看起來還好
也許他變了
我教過的十一歲小孩都比你們球隊強
最好是
你看這地方
你有鍵盤滑鼠，卻沒螢幕
到底在搞什麼飛機？
連一支完整球隊的球員都沒有
難怪你們是世界最爛球隊
隆根先生，你表達意見了，換我講
美屬薩摩亞足協很榮幸你能來
我們想進步，向你學習
但不會為了獲勝否定自己
這些是我們的習俗，我們的方式
你們的方式超爛，沒屁用
指導這支球隊超痛苦
湯瑪斯，我們以為你自己想來
如果我們會錯意了
那你大可離開
追求你的快樂
我不希望任何人不快樂
好，我不幹了
我就說吧
喂？
聽見了嗎？-有
說個最新消息，我不幹了
你不能辭職 -我辭了
今天正式辭職
說你反悔了 -辭了…
就不能回頭，你知道的
這支球隊根本不想贏
這對他們好像衹是遊戲
它是遊戲，湯瑪斯
這是運動
我無法跟他們合作
我幫不了他們
湯瑪斯，我們不是派你去幫他們
而是希望你幫你自己
我不需要幫忙，我要回家了
抱歉，湯瑪斯
現在你的家在哪？
聽我說
我們過幾週會去看資格賽
到時再喝一杯
好嗎？
親愛的主
如果袮能讓教練回來，不管他在哪
幫我們踢進那一球
一球就好
這要求並不多
畢竟我們每週上教堂，奉獻一成収入
不過
祢慢慢來，阿們
阿們
沒用
王牌，今天就你當教練了
好，先跑步熱身
好，爸
抱歉我吼了你
我不爽是因為…
你應該在這裡的
他們要我週六帶隊
你在哪裡？
你好，教練
你好
我想過來道歉
我把你摔在地上，掐你脖子
我還想跟你說聲謝謝
讓我留在隊上
目前為止
我也要道歉，沒尊重你的名字
嘉雅
來，謝罪的禮物
這什麼？-球隊的午餐
你一直發飆跑掉，都沒吃
你應該先吃飽
再生氣
有道理
一起吃嗎？
好啊
大學很棒
我課餘會表演
等你拿到學位
會回到島上嗎？
不會，年輕人在島上沒什麼發展機會
衹能去鮪魚罐頭廠或軍隊服務
我不喜歡魚和槍
所以你會待在夏威夷囉？
或許吧
那裡法法菲妮不多，會被歧視
聽說你結婚了？
有個女兒
對，多跟我說些法法菲妮的事
想知道什麼？
你們下面是什麼樣子？
對你很重要嗎？
對比賽主辦方很重要
目前我符合規定
不過我服用荷爾蒙一陣子了
現在？
應該說到最後我就不符資格了
能聊聊足球嗎？
好
這是什麼？
好像一群老太婆參加蛋糕大會
我們哪懂什麼隊形？
沒人教我們，包括你
有道理
你看那傢伙，衹會杵在那裡
袖手旁觀，讓我想到你
那就是我
你是天生的後衛，不是前鋒
等等，守門員是誰？
尼基薩拉普
那是尼基薩拉普？-對啊
丟了卅球那個？
對，但他也救了六十球
看起來挺厲害的
他是我們最棒的球員之一，傳奇人物
輸球傳奇
閉嘴啦
你才閉嘴，這是我家
這是我的島
我不知道看這個幹嘛
因為這些球員大多退役了
他們之所以放棄
是因為其他人放棄了他們
如果你回來當教練，我能幫你找他們
他們還是很厲害
這得由我來判斷
大明星和嘉雅
湯瑪斯隆根，尼基薩拉普
我的媽媽咪呀
小雞累了還是要回家
你是美屬薩摩亞史上最好的守門員
我在國際賽事中丟了卅球
你是美屬薩摩亞史上最好的守門員
失敗的陰影不是揮之不去嗎？
你始終放不下？-當然
我在電玩上重玩那場比賽
美屬薩摩亞對澳洲，自己一個人玩
每天都雪恥成功，卅二比零
你不想報復澳洲隊嗎？
不然也有其他玻里尼西亞島嶼
他們有的很靠近澳洲
你怎麼拿到這份教練工作？你很遜
你能回球隊嗎？
他們需要磨練，大幅進步
但我發現隊上不少人，包括她
為了踢球得兼好幾份工作
他們充滿熱情與夢想
比那些為了錢鬼混的職業球員
好太多了
別告訴他們我這麼講
他有興趣嗎？
興趣缺缺
下一個是誰？
那叫膽識，亞曼尼
我們喜歡
不好意思，史怪爾？
伸展肌肉 -王牌
隆根先生，我以為你拋棄我們了
王牌，我很想道歉
但我不會
我打死不道歉
我也不為這一點道歉，不好意思
達魯？達魯
我知道你不喜歡我
我也不喜歡自己
但我們必須合作
這個隊形叫悲傷雪人
這個球員可跟這個互換
這個能通過這裡
轉過來，這樣也行
下一個是誰？
還有一個
漂亮，亞曼尼
一上，一下
還有三隻小豬隊形
大野狼從這邊過來
他會直攻你們家
這是我們的目標
條條大路通羅馬
這什麼鬼？奇異筆，換一塊板子
把它當成一條魚
黏黏臭臭的，沒什麼味道
但加上椰漿、檸檬皮、辣椒
好好醃一下
就是一道美味佳餚
讓自己醃一下，你會變成好吃的魚
謝謝教練
冰塊是你的朋友
對肌肉有幫助
蛋蛋也冰一下
再泡廿五分鐘
三、四，換邊
偏掉了
沒進
漂亮
拚了，還沒攻頂，繼續
很難，但我們團隊做得到，有機會
後衛搞定了
不過中場…
水喔
好 -給你
謝謝教練
週一見？-當然
我不會讓你失望 -太棒了
太讚了
下一個是誰？
很好，達魯，鬥志十足
鬥志十足，非常好
跳…兔子跳
推進…
很好，控好後衛
對，嘉雅，這才叫領導
比利、馬拉度納、隆根
一上，一下
這裡，馬爾蒂尼
跟上…
加油…我知道很累，繼續跑
你們能攻頂
加油，繼續跑…
（資格賽前兩天）
不要停，不要停
天啊
天啊，好美
還好嗎，教練？
好漂亮
天啊
從下面看好容易，喘不過氣了
這個點，這地方…
訴說著你們英勇的兄弟
如何奮力保護美屬薩摩亞
以及世界其他地方，對抗邪惡
明天，我們就要啟程
參與史上最偉大的戰役
世界盃資格賽大戰
耶！
天啊，這裡空氣好稀薄
兩天後
我們要面對第一個敵人，東加
去他們的
過去有好多戰役對抗那些混蛋
但一八二五年那場戰役
他們跑來搶奪…
搶奪我們的鮪魚
但我們狠狠擊敗他們，抓去餵鮪魚
我在哪裡？
隆根先生，你還好嗎？
什麼？我還得打包行李
我總是最後一分鐘才打包，好奇怪
療癒之水，扛他下山
沒事，教練
我們翻開《馬太福音》十七章
有人對耶穌說
「主啊，憐憫我的兒子
他害癲癇的病
很苦
屢次跌在火裡，屢次跌在水裡
手腳不靈活」
耶穌說：「帶他來見我」
神奇的耶穌
結果耶穌斥責他
魔鬼就從他身上離開
男孩立即痊癒
好晴朗的日子，我們感謝…
外頭的美景，所有的好運
在繼續進行之前，先處理一點事
有人在西翁尼馬拉可可炸魚薯條店外
垃圾箱東翻西找
承認吧，是誰？
想找剩菜吃，別做那種事
懂嗎？好棒的日子
我們的優秀球隊
將跨海去執行不可能的任務
踢贏足球賽
哇！
哇塞！
有人會說對手太強了
知道我對他們說什麼嗎？
去讀聖經
你可聽過有個叫大衛的小個子
對抗大塊頭歌利亞？
那是個警世寓言，別招惹小個子
我們的球員都是小個子，對吧？
小個子應該踢不贏
跨海去對抗一群歌利亞
去吧，我的小大衛們
我們去挑戰歌利亞先生
為美屬薩摩亞贏得勝利
好
（帕哥帕哥國際機場）
他們要出發了，美屬薩摩亞足球隊
希望不會再丟國家的臉
卡，非常好，葛斯
快…
塔維塔，走了…動作快
可以起飛了
（薩摩亞獨立國）
哇，好棒的旅程
我有時差，得睡一下
才飛卅五分鐘而已
各位，我們正式通過換日線
現在是昨天
時間旅行
看這些車開得多快
有人會被撞死
慢一點，天堂客滿了
寢室不賴喔
好，你們整理一下
我衹想講一件事
球員歡迎會在下午五點半，必須穿鞋
麻煩別打赤腳
可以穿拖鞋，或涼鞋，好
謝謝
東加隊
很高興你們出現
眞客氣，謝謝
那是羞辱
我早該知道你不懷好意
這就是我們的對手
沒什麼好擔心的
情況變了，我們有新教練
你們教練很鳥，過氣了
他跟你們一樣
你們擺明了硬要戳我們痛點
但美屬薩摩亞人的皮很硬
除非拿尖銳的東西戳
剪刀、螺絲起子、針
前端又尖又利的東西
我們派對見
別忘了帶吉祥物
我們派對見 -我們派對見
我們派對見
他是阿諾史瓦辛格喔
華麗耀眼，桌上的小花
湯瑪斯，很棒吧？
你看，簡直是世界足球名人堂
我們走吧，去海邊
灌啤酒，這不適合我們
我們剛到，時間還早
靠 -嘿
他來了… -老湯
你好啊 -嗨
眞高興見到你，怎樣？-嗨
你好 -你好
還好嗎？-安格斯
嘿
幫他爆菊
爆菊 -拜託
夠了 -好啦
別激動，眞高興見到你
塔維塔，這是安格斯、基斯
澳洲國腳
澳洲國家隊，調皮的勁敵
喂，你是…
噢！
美屬薩摩亞
那場我們有踢 -那場我們有踢
給他看圖案 -給他看圖案
等等，給你看圖案 -他沒給人看過
噢！
卅一分… -卅一分…
都過去了，遮起來
才怪，這是我們的驕傲
遮起來 -你在指導美屬薩摩亞
佔了一個屎缺
他還沒被開除 -眞有你的
說眞的，他們還行嗎？
贏了幾場？-有嗎？
其實我們…
亞歷列車，嘟嘟 -亞歷列車
你好 -嗨
氣色不錯 -我好想你
神清氣爽
他出現了
嗨 -亞歷
你好像有點累
我正要說他好像很累
時差 -謝謝
塔維塔，這位是蓋兒，我太太
分居了 -噢
這是亞歷，我老闆兼蓋兒的男友
亞歷先生，謹代表美屬薩摩亞足協
感謝你派這位超級教練給我們
他讓我們脫胎換骨
太棒了，我們能到外面聊一下嗎？
好啊 -他想跟你到外面談
一下子就好
嘉雅
不得不說，我為你感到驕傲
沒想到你會成功，恭喜了
謝了，我不知道該說什麼
我以我們的成績為榮
對，太棒了，雖然已經無關緊要了
什麼意思？
當我沒說
你脫胎換骨，這才重要
比賽後我幫你找個好工作
亞歷，你在說什麼？
湯瑪斯，我養過一條狗
我知道那條狗 -這條不一樣
你不知道牠，這條狗啥都不會
動作慢，跑不動，連棍子都撿不回來
最好的辦法就是讓牠走
我們開槍殺了牠
球隊就是那條狗？
球隊當然是那條狗，這是比喻
你以為我殺過幾條狗？
羊群再快也跑不過花豹
那是生命循環的道理
我相信我們能進球
進球？誰管進不進球？
要是我們踢贏比賽呢？
拜託
他們語言裡恐怕沒贏這個字
足球不適合他們，他們弱到爆
不，亞歷，他們不弱
有的球員做了很大的犧牲
改變人生的犧牲
我很想說點什麼
讓你好過一點
不用擔心
（甦醒：清醒世界的新教練法）
我們職業生涯最大的戰役
在今天達到顛峰
我們不是…
全體一起療傷止痛
就是崩潰
一寸一寸，一球一球，直到完蛋
我們身陷地獄
我們能留在這裡，忍氣吞聲…
嗨 -嘿
睡前喝一杯？-好啊
走吧 -我們能奮力向前
好 -迎向光明
我們能爬出地獄…
我覺得島嶼生活眞的影響了我
我好像重獲新生，很平靜
你看起來沒變
眞的嗎？-嗯
你快樂嗎？
感覺好極了
明天我們就要輸掉比賽了
別這樣
被淘汰出局 -你才沒這麼想
我的職業生涯就此結束 -你超讚的
我是別人的笑柄
你很掃興耶
沒有 -就是
眞好玩
我想你
我也想你
我愛你
你的愛就是別人要你，你怕孤單
是嗎？那就是愛的定義啊
我傷透了心，但還是會過下去
想開一點
兩年了，你根本不敢談
有什麼好談的？
好，那就別談了
起來，老頭
天啊，還要這樣玩嗎？
快點 -好
你一定搶不到
球應該放在地上
這叫足球
喂！
別發號施令
你的家庭關係很有趣，湯瑪斯
我看過一部德國片，他們似乎也有…
類似的安排
有一個女的和好幾個男的
我搞不清楚她跟哪個結婚
他們都表現得好像…
是她老公 -跑得很好
我看過最棒的
是尼基
耶誕提早到了，是尼基薩拉普
尼基薩拉普 -尼基
他從哪冒出來的？
尼基薩拉普
好了…
別這樣
饒了他，好了 -快去做伸展
去吃早餐，補充水份 -那邊
先吃早餐
你趕來了
看來我那套說詞有用囉？
沒有
我查過你的經歷
結果你比我還要悽慘
你輸了好多次，又被開除
我當世界最爛守門員也不丟臉
噢
美屬薩摩亞，幾小時後跟東加球場見
東加！-東加！
東加，幾小時後跟美屬薩摩亞
球場見
一樣
東加！離開
各位，他們剉了
歡迎來到今天的世界盃資格賽
東加對美屬薩摩亞之戰
謝謝
你的坐墊，老公
你們好 -亞歷，你好嗎？
我不知該說什麼
再過幾分鐘就是我們生涯最大戰役
就在今天
我們不是全體一起療傷止痛
就是崩潰，一寸一寸
一球一球，直到完蛋
等等，那是《挑戰星期天》的臺詞
不，達魯
我要你們把這裡當成安心的空間
能分享故事、想法、希望和夢想
麻煩，誰想發言？
大家好，我是笑面仔
笑面仔
你們竟然叫我笑面仔，我不常笑
在這裡以外
你們有人可能知道我這一年不好過
我爸媽都被捕… -走了，時間到
下次說，笑面仔
各位，我們辛苦練球，上場吧
等一下…嘉雅呢？
嘉雅，她在哪？
嘉雅呢？
嘉雅，怎麼了？
教練，走開
怎麼了？-我…
這是臨陣怯場，很正常
臨陣怯場
大家都會，別這樣…
怎麼了？跟我說
我荷爾蒙停掉了
我停掉荷爾蒙，才能踢得更好
為了你和隊友
現在我覺得不像自己，我好醜
大家都知道
我快瘋了
我沒辦法，教練，我沒辦法
嘿
看著我，頭抬起來
頭抬起來，驕傲一點
你激勵了場上的球員
我激勵不了他們
我需要你幫忙
他們不會跟著我
但他們會跟著你
幫個忙，帶他們上場好嗎？
好嗎？
起來
梳洗一下
好，頭髮整理好
很好看
美呆了 -醜到爆
我都這樣弄我女兒頭髮，她很喜歡
她應該是騙你的
很有可能
還好嗎？-好了
好
場上見
（隊長）
美屬薩摩亞
老大，我做了這些
給你和我穿
兩個宮城教練 -對，兩個宮城教練
（宮城一號，宮城二號）
快開始了…
我已經覺得丟臉了
（維吉尼亞聯邦大學）
加油
（裁判，二零一一年）
很好，對，嘉雅
讓開，給他空間
加油，喬納 -射門
加油，喬納 -踢啊
差一點點
又來了
註意…
我來…
加油，達魯
達魯，站起來
站起來
後衛守住
對
擠他，嘉雅，別讓他過
出來，尼基
加油，尼基，你可以
很好
這就對了
嘉雅，別讓他過
沒關係
加油…
傳下去…
傳給隊友
加油，參孫
參孫 -追他
射門，喬納，射門
今天走衰運，老兄
閉嘴
別被開除了
回來…回來
快…
追過他
達魯，幹嘛？-對不起
拜託 -集合…快
藍波，跟維加斯換，達魯，小心點
妮可，我要你… -妮可？
嘉雅，我要你控好後衛
你必須跟隊友溝通
我讓你當隊長，硬起來，加油
好，教練 -加油，上場
加油
繼續跑
快，傳球…
傳球，支持他，搞什…
教練 -好啦
可惡
嘉雅，控好後衛，你去哪？
可惡
加油，藍波
進球 -不！
哇靠
（美屬薩摩亞零，東加一）
中場休息時間
上半場東加一比零領先
閉嘴
坐下
場上到底怎麼搞的？
我們訓練的東西呢？
眞是狗屁
我死也想踢國際足球賽
你們這群失敗者卻根本不在乎
你們這群失敗者
對不起，教練
我們沒感覺
對不起，教練，我沒感覺
什麼叫沒感覺？毫無意義
其實有意義，湯瑪斯
感覺對我們很重要
不是我們忘了你教我們的，而是…
我們得失心太重了
太強烈，一直覺得我們可能贏
我們從來沒那麼拚命
放心
你們那樣絕對贏不了，相信我
嗯，參孫說
大家壓力眞的很大
壓力是沉默的殺手
就像掠食動物… -眞假？
對
太好了，我放棄，我受夠了
祝你們好運
隆根先生？隆根先生
你要我怎樣，塔維塔？
我喜歡你，但我不幹了
我得離開這座島
任何醃魚的故事都打動不了我
我不想講醃魚的故事，我要你快樂
我不快樂，我不是個快樂的人
我實在不想講，你們一球都進不了
沒關係，我已經習慣了，隆根先生
不是我的錯，我努力過了 -我知道
他們不聽我的 -我知道
結束了，他們要你走人
這我倒是不知道
難怪亞歷先生跑來
好吧
往好的方面想，我能去熱帶島嶼度假
跟我的朋友湯瑪斯到處走走
你有什麼毛病？
怎麼渾身充滿正能量？太噁了
你該指導他們，他們相信你
他們相信你
但你得讓他們看到眞正的你
他們不瞭解你，你不跟他們說話
你到了我們島上，心卻不在
就算現在你也心不在焉
也許你的心留在過去，當時比較快樂
我認為你在這裡可以很快樂
你的心必須在這裡
我贏不了
那就輸吧
但別獨自落敗
跟我們一起輸
永遠都有下半場
那是另外一次機會
好，擦掉
這都是狗屁
好
我不該罵你們失敗者，你們不是
我才是失敗者
兩年前，一場車禍奪走我的女兒
她叫妮可
那是她的帽子
她超棒，聰明風趣
熱愛足球，好愛
我們晚上常熬夜聊球賽
然後…
有一天她去練球的路上失控撞車
就那樣
她就走了
我失去了我的寶貝
抱歉
我開始憤世嫉俗，其實是在氣我自己
如果我帶她去練球，她還會活著
如果多關心她一點的話
有太多的如果
我為何接下這份工作？
為了挑戰嗎？不是
我並不在乎讓球隊脫胎換骨
我是不得已的
這是我唯一能找到的工作
而我並不想要
我以為我比你們厲害
其實，你們根本不需要我
你們已經很完美了
基本上我給你們的建議是，別聽我的
出去好好踢球
不做也行
都可以
你們讓我想起我熱愛踢球多過贏球
好好享受這場比賽
人生苦短，足球就像遊戲
我衹希望你們快樂
但我們想贏，教練
那就開心點
教練，很棒的演說
酋長，分我一塊炸雞吧？
不要有壓力
踢得開心
衹是場比賽
人生眞美好
對，嘉雅
踢得好
過來…
找空檔
加油，喬納
進球！-耶！
耶！
我們進球了…
我們眞的進球了
這就對了…
這是美屬薩摩亞史上踢進的第一分
加油，薩摩亞
我的寶貝，藍波成功了
好精彩的比賽
哇！
不…來人啊
老公
糟了
救命啊 -來人啊
這裡需要救護人員…
媽，爸…醒醒
爸，是我，爸
不…好啦 -別激動
怎麼回事？
他們說我重度中風
中暑啦
對，重度中暑
很嚴重，兒子
大家嚇壞了，不過也許再過一小時
我應該又是一尾活龍
你不會有事的 -我們輸了幾球？
十比一？比數呢？-冷靜，吸氣
吐氣
我準備好了 -冷靜下來
跟我說怎麼了 -你冷靜了嗎？
對，說吧 -我跟你說怎麼了
告訴我 -好
球在兩隊之間互傳
賽況很緊張，我們知道全國都在看
未來幾年大家都會談論這一天
接著東加搶到球
我來
我和阿里西一對一，我想我能搶到球
但要是硬拚卻失手
對方就會進球
但這次不一樣
我感覺不一樣
我挺身而出
攔截他
突然換成我們進攻
我把球傳給維加斯
他看到守門員離開
使盡全力射門
但守門員…
救了下來，我們發角球
讚！
機會來了
嘉雅
過去
大家在禁區你推我擠，賽況緊張
戴夫發角球
右腳往球門方向一踢
看起來東加會守住
但接著…
嘉雅
進球
耶！
這就對了
進球
又一記歷史性進球
不可思議
美屬薩摩亞
讚！
世界排名墊底的球隊可能會贏
我們得分？-對
進球？眞的進球？-對
又得一分？
好 -聽到了嗎？兩分
一切順利
時間衹剩卅秒，我們勝券在握
然後裁判決定
比賽延長五分鐘
不要臉 -是啊
然後呢？
比賽即將結束，我們頂住壓力
搶到了
站住，小偷
一場衹能來一次
球長傳，東加邊鋒…
從邊線橫傳
尼基常接這種球
但在龐大壓力下
他漏接
球碰到他的手，滾向球門
慘了 -然後…
突然間
殺出嘉雅
她在最後一刻滑進來，把球勾進場
救下這一分
讚啦，嘉雅
可是…
球滾到阿里西腳邊
他可不肯錯過
我別無選擇
他準備射門時，我側身一摔
這一定要罰球，是我的錯
打他，老婆
你這個北七
然後呢？
尼基薩拉普獨自面對罰球
天啊，雪上加霜 -天啊
我整天在接這種球
我表現的時候到了
氣氛緊張刺激
壓力破表
他壓力大了 -壓力
當然，壓力 -壓力鍋
加油，尼基 -加油，尼基
加油，尼基
別告訴我…
尼基薩拉普情緒崩潰？
十年前對澳洲隊
狂輸31球的惡夢
又回來糾纏他
我猜他慌張失措
往旁邊一站，讓球進門
大家都在看
是這樣嗎？
他大概有點驚嚇
但我沒嚇到
尼基沒嚇到
因為他知道
史上一千名酋長在支持他
他必須忘掉一切
過去
現在
未來
我必須忘掉
全部忘掉
他必須成為尼基
我是尼基薩拉普，說
我是尼基薩拉普
哨聲響起
我們一度不知道怎麼回事
以前從沒有過這種感覺
直到我們發覺
最終比數二比一，美屬薩摩亞…
我們贏了…
耶！
美屬薩摩亞獲得…
史上第一場勝利
我們贏了
好
我們贏了？-我們贏了？
我們贏了，你贏了，爸 -什麼？
天啊，我們贏了 -我們贏了
太棒了
我早就知道
兒子，我就知道你可以
我的心臟… -好啦
進一球…
最後一則留言
好啦，說眞的
叫媽教你怎麼聽留言
不過你要是在聽，就已經會了
總之，回答你的問題
學校很好，其實很讚
我眞心喜歡所有的課
基礎心理學超酷，人類學也是
那個教授超棒
大家都很高興能來上課
我認識好多新朋友
我們有聊不完的話題
感覺充滿了無限可能
不曉得
我是說人生不衹有足球
好，愛你喔
親愛的主，我還能說什麼？
無話可說
我有一個夢，它成眞了
我們進了一球
然後又進了一球
結果贏了比賽
然後我們輸了下一場，沒打進世界盃
但祢知道嗎，主？儘管輸了
我卻很快樂
謝謝袮派隆根先生來
我們很喜歡他
就像在購物中心發現走失的白人小孩
告訴他該往哪裡走
感謝主，阿們
阿們
親愛的主
我現在禱告是想讓球隊知道
我収到一個工作邀約
美國職足大聯盟，洛杉磯銀河隊
立刻生效
但今天我決定不接，阿們
阿們 -哇，主啊
這是很大的肯定，表示很重視本隊
主啊，問題是…
我還是會離開
不是因為足球，主啊
我想休息一段時間
提醒自己人生有些事情
比足球重要，阿們
阿們 -親愛的主
害我們高興了一下，眞是的
大家心裡七上八下的
既然如此
請告訴隆根先生我們非常愛他
他在美屬薩摩亞永遠都有一個家
阿們
（二零一一年擊敗東加後）
（美屬薩摩亞不曾在世界排名墊底）
（湯瑪斯隆根成為美國隊首席球探）
（目前他擔任CBS電視臺球評）
你們想被東加痛宰嗎？
過去，壓力，鬥士
唉，達魯
對
（年屆五十的尼基薩拉普仍是隊長）
很好
（塔維塔仍掌管美屬薩摩亞足協）
嘉雅，衝…
我想說我愛你們，不管我有多不同
我們有多不同
（嘉雅薩路哈是世界盃資格賽）
（首位公開的跨性別運動員）
（她目前是獲獎足球教練）
（及國際足總平權大使）
電影還沒結束，別急著離場喔
我們的悲傷故事結束了
它告訴我們，無論發生什麼事
碰上困難阻礙，面臨危急關頭
當你覺得難以承受
陷入絕望
無法成功
任何事都可能發生
會出現許多奇蹟
衹要你保持一點信念
靠